Mar 02 2008
on attachment parenting
I never thought much about it really... When I had our first baby, twelve years ago now (!?) I certainly had never heard of the term "attachment parenting". It wasn't until recently, in the last few years actually (color me naive I guess) that I even gave it much thought, and yet I've learned in the last few years that that is and has been my parenting style, which I've come by quite naturally and instinctively, and have grown more accustomed to and comfortable in with each of our babies.
In the last few years, I've also learned about parenting styles totally appalling to me, such as those taught by the Pearls and the Ezzos, and have found myself so thankful that I didn't fall in with any of these teachings, and likewise, concerned for parents with their childrens' best interests in mind who may be caught unawares by the extremity of such teachings. I've wondered how much my own parenting style would have been influenced, as a young, new mom, had I been surrounded by proponents of such methods? Lately I've been giving it even more thought as its come to my attention that someone at our church is hosting a "Growing Kids God's Way" class, which I even thought about crashing! 
Naaah, I wouldn't really... hah!
With baby S, our now 6 month old miracle baby, I have found myself so blessed by the intimate times I've had nursing her at our own leisurely pace, unhurried, snuggling in our bed with her and falling asleep to the sounds of her contented sighs. I've been so thankful for the Arm's Reach co-sleeper that a friend gave me, and the convenience of being able to place her in it or pick her up without even moving from my spot in our bed (though she ends up snuggled in our own bed, beside me, half the time). There's nothing like being woken up by a sweet little one groping at your face with trusting, pudgy little hands. It's so nice to not have to get up at night with her, I think that we both are so much more rested for it.
This time around, I've also laughed to myself, thinking of how absurd and awkward (if not impossibly stressful) it would have been for me to try and follow a feeding schedule of my own making with her after her birth. I remember that I didn't get any sleep the first couple of days after she was born, because all she wanted to do was nurse and sleep at my breast. She never has taken a pacifier (I tried, but she'll have none of it) and since the hospital wouldn't allow her to sleep in my bed, I just laid there with her in a delirium. As soon as I'd put her down in her warmer and start to nod off, she'd be crying, looking for me...
She nursed every couple of hours for an hour at a time during those first few weeks. And even now, we've found that what works best for us, is for her to nurse every 2-3 hours still, on one side only, alternating sides, else she spits up everything she eats. Sometimes she'll nurse a bit more often, and sometimes she'll go longer without nursing, especially if we're out. She seems to adapt to our daily routines and outings very naturally. Usually she sleeps through the night pretty well. But these last couple of days, with her having her first cold and not feeling well, she's been doing a lot of comfort nursing... and I'm so thankful to have the confidence to go with that. But then, I've found that rigid routines and schedules really don't work in any part of our lives around here for that matter!
I've wondered over how very alert baby S is most of the day, and how intently she peers over the edge of her sling, sometimes curiously reaching out to touch what's around us as I go about my day, but usually content to just watch everything. I'm treasuring all of this time we have together, savoring every moment of her babyhood, so grateful to have her home with us, beside me more than not. I love that Chris feels the same way and enjoys wearing her himself, or snuggling up with her in our bed too. Our two older children cannot bear to hear her crying either, and would be absolutely horrified if I were to ever let our little baby "cry it out".
We've all found that ap parenting not only provides soul nourishment for our children, but for us as parents as well. And to this day, our 12yo son and 9yo daughter still prefer to go to sleep in our bed, and that is where Chris prefers to read their devotionals to them and tuck them in at. Then, after they're settled in with their own books for evening reading, and often times have fallen asleep, he'll walk them into their own beds for the night. It has been with regret that they've moved this tradition to their own bedrooms recently, on the evenings that I'm putting baby S down at the same time.
Anyways, this is what's worked for us! I do realize that the topic of parenting styles is innately controversial, and a totally personal matter too. I would not presume to know what's best for every family, but I did just want to share what's worked for us, and countless others, especially since it's been on my mind an awful lot lately. And I did want to take this opportunity to point out the potential downfalls and dangers of certain other methods (via the links).
It has been with timely interest that I've recently read this series of posts that Leslie linked to, the tale of one Mom's journey in understanding her own parenting style. This lady has shared of discovering God's plan for her and her own miracle baby, of learning to trust God, and herself as He showed her His Way for her, as a Mother. I spent a few evenings reading all six posts and the links within them as well, and found myself relating on numerous levels (namely identifying with the benefits of ap, nursing on demand, and even experiencing soul healing from nursing baby S). If you'd like to better understand some of the issues concerning the Ezzo's teaching versus attachment parenting, as well as witness one woman's journey from one side to the other, then do take the time to read these articles. I was certainly blessed in doing so, and thought to do my part in sharing them by linking them here.
- Here I raise my Ebenezer. #1
- Ebenezer 2.0
- The Ezz and I (Ebenezer 2.1)
- Ebenezer — A Threepeat
- Ebenezer 2004 — Our First Outing
- Another Ebenezer — Reading is Fundamental
- Ebenezer — A Second Chance
- Ebenezer 2006 — A Gavin is Born!
- Ebenezer Vista — The Big Outing
- Ebenezer — The Meeting
- Ebenezer — The Chapter
As a point of interest, here's a related post, concerning the implications of the Pearls unbalanced teachings on marriage, I wrote a couple of years ago: Created to be His Helpmeet & A True Story~ My little piece of iron
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I also fall into the attachment parenting style. However, my children are so delighted to have little M.Z. here that they can hardly keep their hands off of him!
I hadn’t thought of getting a picture of our little guy snuggled up in his sling, though. What a cute idea!
Our oldest children are about the same age. . . A combination of wanting to do everything “right” and recommendations from people I trusted. . . and we ended up Ezzoing the first two babies. I’m thankful God directed our steps away from that, because it really wasn’t good for us or our family. Looking back at how my Mom mothered us, it was APish before it was called that. I know not everyone has the sort of mother I have, but I’ve learned so very much by listening–truly listening–to my mother. . .
I have to say that I’m jealous that ya’ll can share a bed. I just cannot sleep with baby next to me. I think too much. Perhaps it’s the fact that our bed is so small. It’s strange, I’ve always been attachment minded but have also set up schedules once babies were older. With my miracle baby, however, I have no idea what she’s going to do or when she’s going to do it. And you know what? It’s okay. All I know is that it’s much easier, quieter and quicker to just nurse your baby in the middle of the night than to “help” them back to sleep in other ways. I think that some folks are so afraid of attachment parenting because they think somehow that equates with spoiled brat kid. That is simply not the case. We who attachment parent do indeed have boundaries for our children and have been known to say “no” occasionally.
Have a most groovy day! We missed you Sunday.
I’m looking forward to reading all of this. Like you, I was doing ap without really realizing it! I just knew listening to a baby crying was not something I was ever going to be comfortable with!
I started reading this series of articles and think they are fantastic. It is easy to be misled, especially those that are new in their walk with Christ. In the excitement of that newly discovered faith the potential to get caught up in doing everything according to scripture is great. Especially if you have friends who are strong Christians, have beautifully behaved and happy children. Speaking from experience here, we took wrong turn from our attachement parenting into the Pearl’s. It was awful, did not work, and resulted in children who were resentful and sneaky (character traits that over time I began to see in my friend’s children as well!!!).
We have left all that behind and now fully embrace what we have always done, knowing that it is NOT in conflict with the word of God! Children were meant to be loved, guided, and taught NOT trained, switched, and shoved into a mold. Sorry, I have some pretty strong feelings here
I love this post! The Ezzo books really make me frustrated. Blessings!