the brew*crew adventure

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Listening to: Jami Smith - Needy
via FoxyTunes

Lately, as you may have noticed, I just simply haven't been blogging much. And as all blogging sabbaticals are, it's been good... I'm glad to say that I have, however, been writing, just not publicly. I've turned, once again, to recording my thoughts in a private journal, with old-fashioned pen and paper... and it's been refreshing, familiar and wonderful, like spending time with a comfortable old friend. I shall continue in this good habit of writing privately, a renewed love of mine with multi-faceted rewards that blogging simply cannot duplicate.

I have lately felt absolutely no obligation to blog, which is good too. To be honest, in the past when I've thought about blogging, (or my lack thereof) I've either been plagued with

1. an irrational, self-induced sense of guilt for not keeping up with this hobby better (by what/whose standards anyways?! I dunno... like I said, it's completely irrational, and probably due to hormonal spells of obsessiveness), or
2. a sense of relief at not even thinking of it, or
3. upon a quick perusal of blogs perceived to be fancier, more focused, smarter and deeper (better *ahem*) than mine (by my already faulty, backwards perspective) have fallen prey to that sinister temptation of comparing mine to there's (and yes have had to repent for my sorry sense of purpose and covetousness) and thus been overwhelmed with a sinking sense of failure OR
4. have even actually even considered pulling the plug altogether just to be truly free from the madness! *laughing smirkily here*

I had confided in a couple of friends that I'd considered this recently, quitting blogging (yes, seriously). And as good friends do, they just listened... I think that my main reason being to escape that feeling of obligation to this machine and its endless trappings and tentacles which have at times, over the three years now that I've been at this, wrapped intrusively around my heart... stolen way too much of my time, and rediculous though it may be, even paralyzed my musings with the felt expectations or supposed reactions and perceptions of the many nameless visitors that find me here each day (my stats show that I'm averaging 41 visitors a day right now -not much to some, but still daunting to me, and that's without my even writing regularly or commenting elsewhere, and it easily jumps up to 60+ when I'm actively posting more regularly... scary thought). I'm the type that, if I think about it too much, actually begins to get a bit nervous at seeing all those virtual eyes looking my way, thus my recent questioning...

I'm glad to say now though, that after further consideration, and I think just by working through all of this prayerfully for quite some time, and even leaving it altogether alone for spells as well, I have come to a good place. I'm resolved... I will continue to blog, or not... without obligation. I know, I know, it's all so simple really! Why all the hullabaloo anyways?! I guess one could say that I'm just one of those who tendeth to thinketh too mucheth... too mucheth. *smiles* And I know it to be true, but knowing this doesn't negate the reality created within me to be dealt with... It's all rather hard to explain actually, the spiritual/mental and emotional wrestlings I've had over blogging, all of which most bloggers will most likely understand anyways without my even having to explain, and others probably not, no matter how much I explained.

As I wrote to a dear friend of mine last week, who did recently switch her blog to "private" (meaning that only her friends who are invited and signed in by password can visit it):

Yeah, I get all creeped out sometimes too, if I think too much about how *public* my blog is... and lately I've even questioned whether or not to continue with blogging. The thing of it is though that I just love to write/share sometimes, it's such a great creative outlet. I tend to vacsillate back and forth between wanting to be more transparent and open/meaningful in my writings OR just wanting to pull the plug and shut it down completely! *lol* ...for feeling overexposed I guess, can't win! *lol*And here recently I've had a couple of local ladies, whom I've now met in real life, find my blog and shared with me how much it (my writings?!) ministered to and encouraged them. So... I feel like the timing of it was maybe timely encouragement to me not to just delete my blog entirely (yeah, I've actually considered it, heh!)... I dunno though, I've also considered just going private, because my family really does like keeping up with it, I think it must be true what Chris says, I'm just fickle.

Also, lately I've been so painfully aware of how fast the days are flying by, and determinedly making the most of my time with Nathan and Tabitha, who are growing up way too fast... and the same with little Savannah's baby-days, just savoring holding and playing with her so much. So, between that and keeping the house relatively clean (another recently more fulfilling conquest that blesses us all), laundry done and cooking, spending time with hubby, coop, shopping, etc. not much time is left for blogging anyways it seems. And the last few times that I got out and read some other peoples' blogs, I was left with such a sinking feeling of how sorry and shallow my ramblings of late have been too... and that's brought me to where I've left it, that I just don't care if I have nothing profound to say, it's just there for me to write in when I want to or am able, nothing more, nothing less. How was that for a nice run on sentence? And I've prayed that it would be a tool for the Lord to use to encourage others as He sees fit, in all its simplicity, and apparently He has, and even let me meet the ladies personally, and I did meet you by way of it too... so I guess that's His way of maybe saying it's alright, and don't make more or less of it than what it is... so I basicly don't think about it too much. Did that all make sense?

And I'm reminded of all of the wonderful, dear friends and acquaintances that I've made via blogging... really amazing, special women that have challenged, changed and inspired me tremendously over the years... ladies I've come to love and respect... Not to mention how rewarding its been to me personally, on so many various levels, to have learned to write with such regularity, to reflect more often through written words than I would have otherwise these last few years...

Then a couple of days ago I came across this post over at Julie's blog, blogging without obligation, and could so identify as I felt such a sense of relief just to read my own recent thoughts on blogging written out in such a simple, concise manner. I guess it's sort of comforting to be reminded of how common my perplexions are among other bloggers. And so, this is why I'm adding that cute little "blogging without obligation" button to my sidebar, simply to remind myself… should those old obligatory, smothering self-induced expectations of blogging vanities return to nag my mind, that I blog without obligation.

And so, blog I shall... because I do love to post when inspiration strikes, as it can be so cathartic, fruitful and worth every bit of effort spent, when kept in balance. I would afterall like to continue this blogging journey. Recording my family's adventures here and sharing with you all bits of my own mental and spiritual wanderings as I'm able has become a sort of artistic endeavor for me, and one that I'm now reassured, once again, has my Lord's blessing... so long as I do it without obligation to anyone but Him... which is ultimately what I've sought to know and what matters most to me, and I'm leaving it at that.

Look to yourselves, that we do not lose those things we worked for, but that we may receive a full reward.

2 John 1.8

Father, may I not turn aside from Your plan and purpose for my life each moment of every day... Lord, keep me in Your Way. Thank you for continuing to teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom. May my scribblings and time spent here on this blog and elsewhere online somehow contribute to Your ultimate good and great restoration within my own heart and those whom I come into contact with.

And here is what I picked up from Julie's blog (though originally found here) a short list of reminders for obsessive types like myself. It makes me laugh because it's so true...

Blogging Without Obligation
If you feel the same way feel free to grab the logo, make a logo or whatever you would like to do!

I release all the logos, thoughts and words mentioned here about this concept into the public domain. Take the idea and run with it. . .or walk away. It is all good.

• Because you shouldn’t have to look at your blog like it is a treadmill.

• Because its okay to just say what you have to say. If that makes for a long post, fine. Short post, fine. Frequent post, fine. Infrequent post, fine.

• Because its okay to not always be enthralled with the sound of your own typing.

• Because sometimes less is more.

• Because only blogging when you feel truly inspired keeps up the integrity of your blog.

• Because they are probably not going to inscribe your stat, link and comment numbers on your tombstone.

• Because for most of us blogging is just a hobby. A way to express yourself and connect with others. You should not have to apologize for lapses in posts. Just take a step back and enjoy life, not everything you do has to be “bloggable”.

• Because if you blog without obligation you will naturally keep your blog around longer, because it won’t be a chore. Plus, just think you will be doing your part to eradicate post pollution. One post at a time. . .

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