I'm feeling so gloomy this evening... Chris is at an appt., and how I hope that it goes well. We are so very broke right now, and are totally trusting the Lord that the last few insurance policies Chris has written up and submitted will be issued, because we need the paycheck. He's been stressed out, from former employers (yes, two different non-related jobs for nationally known companies that I won't name) not paying him for work he did (as a contractor, and did well according to satisfied customers) until he finally threatened to take them to court, and now they're paying bit by tiny bit. And insurance sales haven't been as good as he'd hoped. We are SO hopeful that a meeting he had last week was as successful as he thinks it was. He's still waiting to find out about now sealing the deal, which would be for him to write up insurance policies for all the employees of a local company, which would mean plenty of work and a definitely plenteous paycheck. Right now I'd be content with paying the mortgage though. *sighs* So... he's been tense... and I've been trying not to be fearful, but I know that my many questions to him are stressing him out more. And the tension has just been too high for my equilibrium to be right. And so, I'm all out of whack emotionally right now, I realize this...

And so, when I look at my feeble attempts at a garden this last Spring (remember, my back froze up on me in mid-planting, and so THAT was delayed as I s-l-o-w-l-y recovered), I am so very depressed... I had been very hopeful when I'd gotten some more planting done, a couple of weeks ago, that my garden would prosper. But then half of what I'd finally gotten planted didn't even germinate! And so now, I have to replant corn and sugar-snap peas. And half of the space that was tilled up is now totally overrun with weeds and has to be re-tilled, ARRRGH! And then there's the rabbits and beetles eating all of my leaves even as they're coming up, which makes it hard to stay organic! How I'd love to spray the heck out of all of them...

My sister, her kids and one of my brothers came for a visit (which was nice), and so nice that I ended up totally neglecting my poor garden for that entire time (and the time before her arrival as I cleaned and got laundry done ALL day), and the week since she left now too. And the weeds have taken over! I'm seeing this, but have been so busy with other things that I've not been able to get out there to tend to it (and I'm a bit afraid to by now anyways). Tonight, it finally rained a bit, and so the ground should be softened, which will make pulling out weeds a bit easier tomorrow. N and T have offered to help me. Chris said "#%$@ the garden", which is a tempting thought... and 'twould be much easier, but I just can't... I won't. Right now, it seems to be indicative of so much more to me somehow.

We actually went to church last Sat. evening, and a dear friend asked how I was doing... right as I walked out of the service, in which I'd started crying during the worship service (apparently a much needed release there), and then again later when I saw my friend sitting in front of us who is pregnant, and whose precious baby is due the month before the one we lost recently was due... And I'm sure my make-up was smeared, eyes blurry, and I don't even remember exactly how I responded to her, but I do remember grumbling about my gardening mishaps, that "my garden is a mess"... which seems to reflect my general feelings about many various aspects of my life right now. "My garden is a mess..." So many good intentions and inspired plans fallen to the wayside, neglected and grown over with the weeds that thrive in well-tilled soil, seemingly wasted, distracted days... time miss-spent, dreams unrealized, the weeds that live to choke out the would-be fruitful seedlings planted by hopeful hands. I like what my friend said to me though... with her knowing, I really mean it look, "It can still be redeemed..."

Thank you Cindy, for your healing words... so simple that they were necessary for me to hear somehow. Those words have been ringing in my spirit for the days since, even as I stare in unbelief at my faltering, fledgling attempt at gardening this summer... And so, tomorrow I shall make my redemptive attempt. And it shall be an offering unto my Lord, a plea for help, a last stand against the complacency within myself that I absolutely abhor, and yet entertain too often.

And I shall cling to this hope,

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

~Matthew 5.3

For I am so very poor... so helpless on my own, and in need of Him, my Helper who is Able to save me. How amazing it is to me, and comforting, to realize that in my very realization and acceptance of my need for Him is my own salvation... therein lies my key to the kingdom of heaven... wow. I've been meditating on this concept, again.
I have the honor of teaching the Bible class of my friend Jennifer's annual summer horse camp for her students. While we were doing some planning on Monday, she'd asked me what I thought about the above Scripture being our theme for this year... I'm smiling even now, as I think about it... because it's so where I am right now, in realization of how absolutely poor of spirit I am on my own, how in need of a Saviour and a Helper I am, we are. Lord, redeem my lost ground.

Well, Chris just returned from his appointment... and it was "a waste of his time"...

Yes, life is stressful on many fronts right now, amazing how financial issues seem to effect so many other areas.

But our children are beautiful. In the midst of all of these earthly tanglings and angst-inducing pressures, so much JOY and life is vibrantly filling my days, and our weeks, as well. Our chickens are a few months old now, and starting to look like hens! I've found that grooming horses is one of the most relaxing things I've ever done... and I've been doing alot of it lately... and barn chores are so much more fun than house work. I've spent hours laying out on the trampoline reading while the kids swam at a friend's house last wknd. (we were horse-sitting). One of our rabbits (we bought 3 Californians recently to breed) had to be put down today though- the buck, because his infection had gotten so bad that flies had started laying larva in his sinuses (apparently he was terribly sick when we bought him) and that was very sad. This week I've spent the past few days at the nearby state park with the kiddos, taking part in their free summer program~ throwing tomahawks (YES, I threw it too... couldn't be outdone by the elderly lady that jumped up to go first!), weaving honey-suckle vines, coloring cloths with natural dyes, day and night-time hikes, artifact finding, etc., all of which has been much more important than fighting weeds this week. *smiles* But now the earth is soft, and I've no excuse (except that it's supposed to get up to 92 degrees tomorrow!)... oh well, I'm goin' in!

Oh, and I made a double batch of my wholewheat banana bread this evening, same as always, and for some reason it didn't rise!? Oh well, the kids don't seem to have noticed...

(vent over)

I love Matthew Henry's commentary on Matt. 5.3;

Now, (1.) This poverty in spirit is put first among the Christian graces. The philosophers did not reckon humility among their moral virtues, but Christ puts it first. Self-denial is the first lesson to be learned in his school, and poverty of spirit entitled to the first beatitude. The foundation of all other graces is laid in humility. Those who would build high must begin low; and it is an excellent preparative for the entrance of gospel-grace into the soul; it fits the soil to receive the seed. Those who are weary and heavy laden, are the poor in spirit, and they shall find rest with Christ.

(2.) They are blessed. Now they are so, in this world. God looks graciously upon them. They are his little ones, and have their angels. To them he gives more grace; they live the most comfortable lives, and are easy to themselves and all about them, and nothing comes amiss to them; while high spirits are always uneasy.

(3.) Theirs is the kingdom of heaven. The kingdom of grace is composed of such; they only are fit to be members of Christ’s church, which is called the congregation of the poor (Ps. 74:19); the kingdom of glory is prepared for them. Those who thus humble themselves, and comply with God when he humbles them, shall be thus exalted. The great, high spirits go away with the glory of the kingdoms of the earth; but the humble, mild, and yielding souls obtain the glory of the kingdom of heaven. We are ready to think concerning those who are rich, and do good with their riches, that, no doubt, theirs is the kingdom of heaven; for they can thus lay up in store a good security for the time to come; but what shall the poor do, who have not wherewithal to do good? Why, the same happiness is promised to those who are contentedly poor, as to those who are usefully rich. If I am not able to spend cheerfully for his sake, if I can but want cheerfully for his sake, even that shall be recompensed. And do not we serve a good master then?

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