Apr 21 2006
life, loss & love
You have turned my weeping into dancing...
~Ps. 30.11
That was the Scripture promise that my calendar displayed last month, a promise I saw fulfilled when I conceived that precious little baby we'd hoped and prayed for for a long, long time. Now, I'm seeing that promise fulfilled yet again, but in a different, deeper sort of way, as this past week, and last weekend I have experienced the depths of a terrible grief, and then the peace of a soft and glowing hope.
I hardly know where to begin, and have had a hard time finding words to express all that has been going on with me, with us... Please forgive my long silence, but it's taken me this time away, this week of being alone with my thoughts, with the Lord, and with our family to come to terms with what's happened.
*tearful sighs* I lost the baby last Saturday morning, at 6 wks. and 3 days. The tears flowed endlessly on Saturday, as I said good-bye to a child I've yet to meet. I was immersed in waves of grief, numbing sorrow and disbelief as I bled out the life that I'd held for such a very short time. I don't remember ever weeping so... I am okay now though, I really am. We're all dealing with it together, and the Lord is Faithful. Oh, HE is so good. He has brought healing and closure in some beautiful ways, though I'm sure that I/we shall always carry an ache in our heart over this.
"Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the presence of God."
~Elisabeth Elliot
In the last few days, I've experienced the stark reality of that statement in a way that I never had before. I had started bleeding last Thursday, actually just spotting brown. Then on Saturday morning I woke up to red, flowing blood and clots passing. I think I was in shock... I think I even saw the little fetus... it was pretty traumatic, and I had to catch my breath, and it took me a few minutes before I could even say anything to Chris, whom I'd walked right past as I exited the bathroom. I went straight to my bed and just started bawling into my pillow, though at that point I wasn't even sure I'd lost the baby, couldn't be certain... yet, I knew deep down that it was happening... And eerily enough, I'd dreamed that it happened a couple of weeks earlier, and had even told a friend about my nightmare. By then, Chris was sitting next to me, with his arm around me, just being strong and silent, my solid rock. Oh, what an anchor our loved ones can be, holding us steady, keeping us from drifting too far out into oblivion... simply by their presence. T brought me back too...
N had spent the night with a friend, and his friend's Mom, who is a very good friend of mine, called me about that time (while I was still in freak-out, "what's happening, this can't be happening" mode) and I just burst into tears on the phone and told her what was happening, and that I suspected that I was miscarrying. She was then crying with me, and prayed with me and offered to come and get T and take our kids to the park with her family for the day. So, I thankfully accepted her offer, and willed myself to calm down so that I wouldn't alarm T, who was by that time coming into my bedroom and asking what was wrong with me, and why was I crying. I just assured her that I was okay, and would she like to go to the park with Bubby and our friends. She was delighted, and this was just what I needed... to be able to just be alone with my tears, my God, and with Chris for most of the day, as I said good-bye to this child I'd met in my dreams numerous times.
My friend had recommended that I call another friend of ours, who's had had 2 miscarriages, and one baby born at 27 wks., which only lived for three days... and so I did. And what perfect timing it all was, because this friend's kind and thoughtful words were just what I'd needed to hear ~ to steady me. She spoke of how each child is a miracle and there's a blessing in them, no matter how long we hold them... and I believed her, and wanted to know the blessings God intended from this little one. I'm certain that his/her purpose is immense, and beyond my understanding. In the midst of such sorrow, she spoke hope over my situation, and she prayed with me as well...
She recommended that I call my doctor, and I did. Her calm direction and halting words were heaven sent. As I'd suspected, the Dr. said that if I was miscarrying, then there was nothing that could be done to stop it, and only go in to the ER if necessary because of excessive pain or bleeding. I did go into the Dr.'s office on Tuesday and had an ultrasound to make sure that all is okay. I'm okay... just empty.;(
But, back to the way it went... It was a beautiful, sunny and windy/cool day here on Saturday... and I was aimless, restless, and grieving. So I went outside and just sat... weeping behind my sunglasses, waiting for the rest of the inevitable. Chris sat a chair out on the hill for me, and one for T, who was waiting for her ride to the park. I silently thanked the Lord for our view... and took in the healing warmth offered by the sun, the peace from the sight of the sloping hills covered in flowers and the escape offered by the restless wind, whooshing all around me and whispering through the trees like water. The weather and His creation was so very therapeutic and calming... T thoughtfully fetched us some umbrellas (*aaaaw*) and cold water... how she made me smile, even then, as I tasted the salt tears flowing from behind my sunglasses... She sat decidedly beside me, somehow knowing that I needed her, and certainly aware that I was very sad. And she offered the most perfect antecdote, her quiet, accepting presence... bittersweet moments they were.
I am so thankful for my precious husband and our beautiful children, the blessings we have. I'm filled with a new found gratitude and awareness of and for them. I am simply so thankful for this glorious day that our Father has given us, and for the fact that I can get pregnant... and that I DO have two lovely, healthy children... life is so very fragile. I did keep thinking of this, but the tears kept coming, and an irrational plague of guilt and what-ifs too.
This baby's presence in our lives, albeit short, has been a blessing in some meaningful ways. And I/we trust God, He is so Faithful, and His ways and understanding far beyond our own.
Something really precious and comforting that the Lord did for me though... on Saturday, He gave me a Rhema word.
I'd started this scheduled *read thru the Bible in a year* last January, but haven't been keeping up with it too well lately. As I was just distraught, restless, so very grieved and sat outside with Chris, in the sun and wind, I found my thoughts turning hopefully to my Lord. "Talk to me Father... help me... I need You, I do TRUST in YOU, but I need to hear from You, right NOW..." I went and got my Bible and my reading schedule, to look up what my reading was for that day, April 15th. I was desperately in need of comfort, and just knew that the Lord would have something for me, He would meet me, He must have set a table for this day. *smiles*
The OT portion of my scheduled reading was from II Samuel, where David and Bathsheba lost their first baby. I was so encouraged in the Spirit, by David's response, through that passage, and the truth of the reality that this baby we *lost* is in heaven, and someday we shall go to meet him/her.
19 David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked.
"Yes," they replied, "he is dead."20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
21 His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"
22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
"Wow...", I thought, as I stared lovingly down into my most treasured Book... from which flows such life and love, my Bible. He knows, He knew, You planned for this passage to be here for me to find and read today... this moment in eternity, as I said good-bye to that little person, that eternal soul, I received something from our Father in return. He deepened me somehow, and softened my heart in a way that only this could..
Oh, what reassurance swept over me in that moment, what a release I felt beginning to happen... I need not entertain all of those nagging questions and suspicions, for He saw ahead to this day, and knew that this would be, and that I would need His assurance, and that I would need His nod of approval, His nudge to worship, His release and Presence to Praise Him, and to dance (for I am practicing our big dance ~ the Irish tap "Lord of the Dance" which we'll be dancing in worship to Him on May the 24th), and to know with certainty that this baby is very much alive in heaven right now, "being raised much better than we could ever raise it" as Chris so matter of factly put it.
But isn't that so cool, that the two chapters containing this passage was my scheduled reading for that day, Sat. 15th, when I needed this encouragement, mainly the reminder that God knew beforehand that this would happen, as my biggest struggles have been all of the "what ifs", the irrational guilt trips your head tries to play sometimes.
My thoughts then began to turn to our children. How Chris and I grieved for them, and prayed for them, and dreaded having to tell them, for I/we knew that their little hearts would just break... On Sunday morning we told them that our baby had already gone to heaven... And they did, they cried, and had such horrible looks of shock cross their little faces. And we talked, and held them. We'd packed a picnic lunch already, and so after wiping away tears and trying to end on a positive, though tearful note, we all went to the lake for the swim they'd been begging for all week. They are okay now too, and eager for another baby. But I do think that we'll wait awhile longer before telling them on the next time... Yesterday and today N and T have both been working on their essays (in which they answer a series of personal questions) that they have to complete for their riding instructor, as part of their application process for *Summer Horse Camp*. I was so thankful and blessed to read that T had written "Jesus is our God and we will trust in Him"... Yes, I think that she is okay... and N too.
Chris and I decided on Monday to name the baby, and after praying about it, we decided on Judah, which we'd already been considering for a boy, and which means "praise". We think that it's especially fitting since the baby would have been born in December, during the time of Hanukkah... when we remember, among other things, the courage and faith of the great hero~Judah Maccabee, who led of the Spirit, saved all of Israel... and as a testament to the fact that we win our battles through Praise. Oh! It is all very significant and intimately meaningful to us, and consider my calendar verse... weeping into dancing, ashes into beauty... Praise!
So, when we told the kids, N asked "What about a middle name? Can it's middle name be Carmen?" And T excitedly agreed. He's always loved that name, even named a cousin's kitten Carmen a couple of years ago. Chris and I agreed, "Judah Carmen it is"... Well, I was so blessed when I looked up Carmen in my baby names book, and found that it's Latin, and means "song"... so our baby is His *Praise Song*...
The Lord truly did do something amazing in me. On Resurrection Sunday morning, the day after my miscarriage, I woke up with such a peace and joy. I felt that the grief had literally been lifted up out of me, and I felt His abiding peace just enveloping me. I'm certain that having had all day Saturday to immerse and grieve helped me to have closure, and undoubtedly the prayers of our brothers and sisters in HIM.
We did attend the Sat. evening service at church, which was probably crazy, but I knew that I wouldn't make it on Sun. morning, and we had already planned to go, and T had a new dress to wear, and I had a song to hear and a dance to see. And going was an easier option than trying to explain to the kids why we weren't going, if we didn't, at that point... So, I got a shower, we all got dressed up, and off to church we went. Fortunately, it was so crowded that we were able to sneak in and out, without running into anyone (besides one precious friend who already knew and had been praying), as I was an emotional train wreck at the time. But I am so glad that we went, because a team of dancers worshiped through a dance choreographed to the song "He Is", which is one of my favorites. I knew they were doing this, and couldn't miss it, and how healing was ministered to my spirit through that song and dance on that evening... I'd needed to hear who He IS...
I am so utterly aware of how very blessed we are, of my two wonderful, strong and healthy children, of how very fragile life is, of how valuable every moment that we have to love is... and we are thanking Him for our precious children. I have a whole new depth of awareness and gratitude for them, for what we DO have, and I'm so glad that Chris's vas reversal was a success, and that our Father blessed us ever so briefly with this little baby that we will meet someday in heaven.
Yesterday was a hard day again though... the grief was biting, and I was weepy and a bit shaky all day... but today, again, it has lifted. Truly, the JOY of the LORD is my strength, and it is in His Presence that I'm finding rest for my weary soul.
Today, we had a really slow, beautiful day... It's been rainy all day, and Jennifer's mare gave birth to a sweet, spunky little filly yesterday morning. She called us right away to come over there, but we couldn't make it until today, and we just spent hours watching, and petting and talking in hushed tones, and grooming some of the other ponies, and listening to/watching the vet who came... it was just a very soothing day. I will post some of my pics soon... Also, the eggs in the barn swallow's nest that the kids have been watching hatched, and we bought 6 little baby chicks recently too, and have been watching them grow so quickly... We are just surrounded by life, and love...
I thought how rather strange it seems that I lost my Dad on Easter wknd. 19 years ago, and now I've lost this little one the same wknd... *sighs* I called my Grandmother on Sunday, and we talked for a long time... she held him, my Dad, her lost child, much longer than I held this one. We remembered, and laughed together... and wondered over it all, and grieved together. It was good to share with her.
Anyways, thank you so much to my friends and family for your thoughts and prayers. And to those whom I haven't contacted yet, please understand that I have been so short on time between tap 3x this week, riding, having company for two days straight (and overnight on Wed.), chores, homegroup/church on Thurs. evening, and lots of phone calls coming in.
We have been so very thankful at this renewed realization of how abundantly blessed we are here locally, with such wonderfully loving and supportive, prayerful friends who have surrounded us and lifted us up during this difficult time. I've known that I need to share what's happened with my friends online as well, but I just haven't been able to find words for it all until now, nor the capacity to sit in front of the 'puter.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Note: Although the date of posting *says* Tues., April 18th, I actually only just posted this on Sat., April the 22nd. I'd started this post on Tues., and just didn't/couldn't finish it until the wee hours of this morning.
Artwork is "Reflections of Giverny" by Greg Singley, from allposters.com
Psalm 23
1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
2 Corinthians 5
1For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
2For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven:
3If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked.
4For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life.
5Now he that hath wrought us for the selfsame thing is God, who also hath given unto us the earnest of the Spirit.
6Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord:
7(For we walk by faith, not by sight:)
8We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.
9Wherefore we labour, that, whether present or absent, we may be accepted of him.
10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad.
11Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.
12For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart.
13For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God: or whether we be sober, it is for your cause.
14For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead:
15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
16Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.
17Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
18And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;
19To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.
20Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.
21For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.
John 16
1These things have I spoken unto you, that ye should not be offended.
2They shall put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service.
3And these things will they do unto you, because they have not known the Father, nor me.
4But these things have I told you, that when the time shall come, ye may remember that I told you of them. And these things I said not unto you at the beginning, because I was with you.
5But now I go my way to him that sent me; and none of you asketh me, Whither goest thou?
6But because I have said these things unto you, sorrow hath filled your heart.
7Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you.
8And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment:
9Of sin, because they believe not on me;
10Of righteousness, because I go to my Father, and ye see me no more;
11Of judgment, because the prince of this world is judged.
12I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now.
13Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.
14He shall glorify me: for he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you.
15All things that the Father hath are mine: therefore said I, that he shall take of mine, and shall shew it unto you.
16A little while, and ye shall not see me: and again, a little while, and ye shall see me, because I go to the Father.
17Then said some of his disciples among themselves, What is this that he saith unto us, A little while, and ye shall not see me: and again, a little while, and ye shall see me: and, Because I go to the Father?
18They said therefore, What is this that he saith, A little while? we cannot tell what he saith.
19Now Jesus knew that they were desirous to ask him, and said unto them, Do ye enquire among yourselves of that I said, A little while, and ye shall not see me: and again, a little while, and ye shall see me?
20Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy.
21A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.
22And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.
23And in that day ye shall ask me nothing. Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, he will give it you.
24Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.
25These things have I spoken unto you in proverbs: but the time cometh, when I shall no more speak unto you in proverbs, but I shall shew you plainly of the Father.
26At that day ye shall ask in my name: and I say not unto you, that I will pray the Father for you:
27For the Father himself loveth you, because ye have loved me, and have believed that I came out from God.
28I came forth from the Father, and am come into the world: again, I leave the world, and go to the Father.
29His disciples said unto him, Lo, now speakest thou plainly, and speakest no proverb.
30Now are we sure that thou knowest all things, and needest not that any man should ask thee: by this we believe that thou camest forth from God.
31Jesus answered them, Do ye now believe?
32Behold, the hour cometh, yea, is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me.
33These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
Proverbs 15
1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
3 The eyes of the LORD are everywhere,
keeping watch on the wicked and the good.
4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life,
but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
5 A fool spurns his father’s discipline,
but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.
6 The house of the righteous contains great treasure,
but the income of the wicked brings them trouble.
7 The lips of the wise spread knowledge;
not so the hearts of fools.
8 The LORD detests the sacrifice of the wicked,
but the prayer of the upright pleases him.
9 The LORD detests the way of the wicked
but he loves those who pursue righteousness.
10 Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path;
he who hates correction will die.
11 Death and Destruction [a] lie open before the LORD—
how much more the hearts of men!
12 A mocker resents correction;
he will not consult the wise.
13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the spirit.
14 The discerning heart seeks knowledge,
but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.
15 All the days of the oppressed are wretched,
but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.
16 Better a little with the fear of the LORD
than great wealth with turmoil.
17 Better a meal of vegetables where there is love
than a fattened calf with hatred.
18 A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension,
but a patient man calms a quarrel.
19 The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns,
but the path of the upright is a highway.
20 A wise son brings joy to his father,
but a foolish man despises his mother.
21 Folly delights a man who lacks judgment,
but a man of understanding keeps a straight course.
22 Plans fail for lack of counsel,
but with many advisers they succeed.
23 A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—
and how good is a timely word!
24 The path of life leads upward for the wise
to keep him from going down to the grave. [b]
25 The LORD tears down the proud man’s house
but he keeps the widow’s boundaries intact.
26 The LORD detests the thoughts of the wicked,
but those of the pure are pleasing to him.
27 A greedy man brings trouble to his family,
but he who hates bribes will live.
28 The heart of the righteous weighs its answers,
but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.
29 The LORD is far from the wicked
but he hears the prayer of the righteous.
30 A cheerful look brings joy to the heart,
and good news gives health to the bones.
31 He who listens to a life-giving rebuke
will be at home among the wise.
32 He who ignores discipline despises himself,
but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.
33 The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, [c]
and humility comes before honor.
Proverbs 17
1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet
than a house full of feasting, [a] with strife.
2 A wise servant will rule over a disgraceful son,
and will share the inheritance as one of the brothers.
3 The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold,
but the LORD tests the heart.
4 A wicked man listens to evil lips;
a liar pays attention to a malicious tongue.
5 He who mocks the poor shows contempt for their Maker;
whoever gloats over disaster will not go unpunished.
6 Children’s children are a crown to the aged,
and parents are the pride of their children.
7 Arrogant [b] lips are unsuited to a fool—
how much worse lying lips to a ruler!
8 A bribe is a charm to the one who gives it;
wherever he turns, he succeeds.
9 He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
10 A rebuke impresses a man of discernment
more than a hundred lashes a fool.
11 An evil man is bent only on rebellion;
a merciless official will be sent against him.
12 Better to meet a bear robbed of her cubs
than a fool in his folly.
13 If a man pays back evil for good,
evil will never leave his house.
14 Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam;
so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.
15 Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent—
the LORD detests them both.
16 Of what use is money in the hand of a fool,
since he has no desire to get wisdom?
17 A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
18 A man lacking in judgment strikes hands in pledge
and puts up security for his neighbor.
19 He who loves a quarrel loves sin;
he who builds a high gate invites destruction.
20 A man of perverse heart does not prosper;
he whose tongue is deceitful falls into trouble.
21 To have a fool for a son brings grief;
there is no joy for the father of a fool.
22 A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
23 A wicked man accepts a bribe in secret
to pervert the course of justice.
24 A discerning man keeps wisdom in view,
but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth.
25 A foolish son brings grief to his father
and bitterness to the one who bore him.
26 It is not good to punish an innocent man,
or to flog officials for their integrity.
27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint,
and a man of understanding is even-tempered.
28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,
and discerning if he holds his tongue.
(((((PEACE Unto you, and LOVE from the depth of my soul)))))))
I am Praying, Praying, continualy….
That you obtain, All the more STABILITY IN CHRIST.
I love Judah, Judah will be missed. I look forward to reunions in heaven. My heart aches with you…I long to witness you embrace Judah Carmen Brewer.
I Thank the Lord, that God makes all thing beautiful in his time.
Amen
I’ve been waiting for you to post. I have been checking every day since I heard of your happings and also knew in time you would be able to talk about it. It will take time because as I read your readings I was also reminded of my lost just a short time ago. But God has bless me with a beautiful baby since then and I’m expecting again. I love you….
Beth,
Bless your heart. I know this must be a very difficult time for your family. Shannon over at “Rocks in my Dryer” just posted recently about her own miscarriage and also some recommended resources to help you through this time. Here’s the link: http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/2006/04/miscarriage_res.html
My own sister has lost more babies than she has carried to term (she has three children here on earth) so I know how painful this is in a round-about way. I will pray for God’s grace and peace to continue to minister to you and your family. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Your sister in Christ,
Phyllis
Jaime~
Thank you so much for your kind words, and for the Scriptures. Yes, we are so looking forward to meeting baby Judah one day, though I’m certain he will not be a baby any longer~ *loving smiles*
That Scripture, Ecclesiastes 3.11 is one of my favorites. Truly, He does… and I think that I shall post it. Thanks again for your heartfelt love and sympathy, and your prayers.
Anonymous~ You must be my precious sister Sharon!! I’ve had in mind to call you all week, but just haven’t hardly had a moment to do so, and honestly have been pretty talked out lately too. Thank you for waiting on me, and checking on me so sweetly. You are such a blessing to me, and it means more than you know, just to know that you’re reading and listening, and praying. I am so encouraged when I think of how God’s blessed you since your loss… and I have a whole new capacity to understand what you went through… I know that you must still grieve/ache as well. And yet, what a mystery it is, to realize that had that little one not gone to heaven when he/she did, then you’d not have conceived again when you did… I’ve been thinking of that aspect of it all, and how strange it is… to think that I may conceive (hopefully will) in the next few months, and thus be blessed so soon with another life that would not have been… *sighs* I’ll be calling you soon sis. ~ love & xoxox
Phyllis~
Thank you so much for your kind words and for that timely link! What blessings I found there! I’m glad to *meet* you.
Oh, how my heart goes out to those Moms who’ve been through this more than once, I can’t imagine going through it again. *shaking head* May the Lord comfort your dear sister.
Thank you so much for your prayers, you are a blessing indeed.
love & peace in Him~
I’m so sorry for your loss, Beth. I don’t really know what else to say : (
Hi Dana~
You must have been typing while I was typing (we have a habit of running into eachother that way, don’t we?;)
Thank you, it’s enough to just be sorry, really it is. That’s about how we feel now, just really sad, and sorry… and it’s comforting to share our loss with friends, and just to know that we’re not alone in it. I treasure your friendship, thank you.
I’m so sorry, Beth. I’ve been checking back expecting to hear about your new keyboard, but this is such a surprise, and so sad. Judah Carmen is a beautiful name.
Hi Leslie~
Yes, I’ve been here with my new keyboard…waiting for the words to come.;) And knowing that no matter how I said it, it would be abrupt. Thank you~
Prayers Beth!
I rejoiced with you and now I feel your sorrow.
May you continue to feel His peace dear sister.
Maria
I am so sorry. Words aren’t coming for me to express the sorrow I felt upon hearing about your loss, but then I remembered a poem from a lady who wrote about the pain of her miscarriage.
HEAVEN’S NURSERY
In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where ‘little spirits’ not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.
The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.
The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.
These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father’s love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.
The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, t heir arms feel empty
The question ‘why’ seems so tempting.
Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father’s own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.
They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father’s fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit
Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn’t be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven’s births.
So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn ‘life’ in your nursery.
——————————————————————————–
By Rebekah Milne, Mildura, SA, Australia,
written after her own miscarriage.
I kissed my Toddler, my blessing after a miscarriage and was reminded of how I wonder about that one who went on to heaven. I imaging his/her MomMom is enjoying his company.
Many prayer and love to you Beth and your family. May the Comforter surround you with His love and care.May you feel his presence.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I’ve been checking in to see how things were going for your family. We have suffered three miscarriages, so I can relate to each and every emotion/ thought/ feeling. Take care, and God bless.
Oh Beth my heart is breaking for you!!! I am so very sorry!!!
Keer
I love you sister ~ I love love love you. I think Judah is the perfect name.
Your Sis,
Alicia
p.s. I can’t remember how to sign into my blog ! oh no … has it been so long? *sighs* posts as anonymous
I am so sorry, Beth. But, our God is faithful! He is carrying you through this difficult time and giving you His shalom, just as He promised. What a wonderful God He is.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; pans to give you a future and a hope.” Jer. 29:11
May God continue to shine His face upon you during this time. In His love, jenny
Oh Beth,
I will be praying for you, Beth! I know this is a very sad time for you and your family. I know that God will bring you comfort and peace!
(((HUGS)))
Beth, I marvel at what God has been showing you and his wonderful comfort towards you during this time. You are such an inspiration my friend! Reading your testimony sent chills up my spine, because I think about how absolutely sovereign and perfect God’s timing is, even when it doesn’t always make sense. The fact that he was able to give you that Rhema word, so perfectly fitting for what you were going through. I am in awe, and will always continue to be in awe of God’s ways. I pray that your testimony of Judah will live on, even though he is now with the Lord. When an unjust death occurs, God is always faithful to let the legacy of the one that has passed touch other’s lives. We must believe that Judah will be touching lives even in his death. For he wasn’t a miscarry, he was perfectly made to bring this testimony, and the legacy of God’s faithfulness into reality. I agree that we cannot fathom what God has done, but we must trust that it is perfect and will bring life where we thought was death.
Keep allowing the Lord to wrap His loving, healing arms around you during this time, as He uses you to minister and bring life to others who have experienced the same. You have a testimony . . . and it is beautiful.
Thank you so much Alice for posting that poem~
Athena in a Minivan~ Thank you for your encouraging words. I am sorry for your own loss. I’ve also wondered over that mystery, of conceiving a child that would not have been.
Truly, He IS sovereign…
CoffeeMama~ thank you, Thank you… I am so sorry for your own losses. I can hardly imagine going through this heartache more than once.;( It’s like a friend of mine said, she didn’t think she could live through losing a child… but she has, 3x over even. And she has such a beautiful testimony to God’s faithfulness and loving goodness. It’s so sad though too…*sighs*
Thank you for your blessings. I’m so glad to know you’re checking on me.;)
Keer~
Oh~ thank you!
Alicia!! I about fell out of my chair! You’re actually reading my blog?! LOL {jk} Thank you so much. It’s good to hear from you, as always.
love ya sis~
Jenny~
Thank you so much for that Scripture. Yes, He has given us peace.
((love))
Randi~
Thanks, yes, God has been so good and Faithful to us. I do need all the hugs that I can get though!;)
(((HUGS back)))
Oh Kelly~
Thank you for the beautiful tribute to ours, and all other babies who’ve gone on to heaven so soon!
You are so right, they aren’t miscarries, and our little baby is an eternal blessing from heaven. We were calling him our miracle baby, and he/she still is…my miracle baby. Truly, He does bring beauty from the ashes of despair~
love,
Beth
Beth,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know how you feel, being that I have had 4 miscarriages myself. Sometimes you heal quickly, sometimes it takes a little time. But I know you are strong. The whole family sends our love to you and yours.
Love,
Jennifer
Beth, I was so sad to read about your loss and so amazed that reading about you losing your precious baby ended up blessing me! But Judah is not lost. He’s safe with the Lord. You and your precious family are in my prayers.
I’m so happy to be reading your blog again! I’ve missed you!
Dear Beth,
I am so so sorry - may you continue to draw strength and comfort from the very near and dear Presence of the Lord who is keeping your little Judah Carmen in His tender care.
Dear Jennifer~
Thank you so much! I know that you’ve been through alot yourself. Yes, the grief comes and goes. Something will suddenly remind me, very vividly, in such a way as to bring tears again, and then it passes (esp. remembering that moments when I was really touched with the reality of the life within me…that is gone so prematurely).
I think that December, when he was due, will be hard for me in a way. Grief is a mysterious, strange emotion…isn’t it? How it ebbs and flows. A friend likened it to waves, whose intensity dissipates over time. I’m finding that is so true.
I need to just give you a call so’s we can talk, but aiyiyi have we been busy. We’ve got riding lessons *again* tomorrow morning, and then I have GOT to get my garden in before it’s summer-time already! *smiles*
I love you girl, thanks so much for keeping up with me here… miss you… give your family our love too.
Tina~
Hi, thank you so much for your prayers. I am so thankful to hear of how my testimony is blessing others. What an honor to baby Judah. Thanks for sharing that with me, and for missing me. LoL *smiles*
IslandSparrow~
Thank you, yes, He is the source of our Joy and our Strength. I know that I’d be a complete mess still, if not for Him, and the prayers of others. I love to imagine what it must be like, for the babies there in heaven I mean. And how they grow up there? *sighs* He truly couldn’t be in a better place, but oh, how I miss him (her?).
Funny how I keep calling him “him”, huh? T was just absolutely sure it would be a boy, and I had a dream he was, and always thought my first baby after the reversal would be a boy.
Thank you friends… it just does me good to talk about it all, and your consolation is immense.
(((love & hugs)))
Beth,
My heart and Birdie’s break for your loss. We were so excited to hear that you were having a new little one, and to hear this news and find out you lost Judah days after we lost Samuel is even more heartwrenching. Please know that we have you in our prayers.
Beth,
So sorry to hear of your loss. For everything there is a reason. We don’t always understand why terrible things like this happen, but God works in mysterious ways and we just have to love and trust in him. May God comfort you and give you peace. You and your family are in our prayers. God Bless, Jeri (Jerelene)
Hi Beth,
Words don’t do justice to what you are going through- just want you to know my heart is breaking for you, and I am praying for God’s peace to surround you.
I am so sorry…
Love,
Carla Lynne
Eaglewood~
My heart goes out to you and your family. How I’m praying for you all. Thank you so much. Indeed, this is a time of shattered hopes and dreams in many ways, as a dear friend so aptly put it to me… but there is Hope, and a future~
Thank you Jeri, so very much.
Dear Carla~
Thank you dear friend. *tearful smiles*
His peace is here, He is so good.
love to you~
[…] This came today, and the card read: To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. ~ 2 Corinthians 5.8 It’s so perfect, to have something tangible to remember him (her?) by…I was a bit surprised to find myself crying like a baby when I pulled him (the cute little stuffed puppy) out of the box and saw our child’s name embroidered on the little sweater… it hits me when I least expect it! Then, 15 mins. after UPS had dropped off that little package, a lady from the local flower shop was at the door with this lovely bouquet. I’ll dry the flowers and keep them in a special bottle, as I did with N’s and T’s birth flowers… The kids just loved it, and I think it really made a good impression on them, this lovely, tangible recognition of our baby that was still such a new reality in their little minds, an answer to years of prayers they’d prayed. When we came in from the garden, I found N sitting in our office chair, holding the stuffed dog, and deep in thought… we talked some more. He’s struggling with “Why would God have you get pregnant just to take the baby right back to heaven so soon?” We talked about Job, and how he never got his answers, but found peace in letting go of having to defend himself and understand it all, and was blessed twice over in his latter years… that we must just trust Him. ~ The Scripture on the card with the flowers just made me cry all over again!! Indeed, to be absent from the body is to be with our Lord… and my body is just so feeling that little one’s absence right now, and that Scripture just pierced right through me to that tender place, in a good way. *sighs* […]
[…] I am a bit bummed out that, due to this back injury, I won’t be able to dance in our “Lord of the Dance” tap/worship program at church this Mother’s Day, nor at the big “X-ALT Night of Worship” on May 24th.;( But I’ll still so enjoy being a part of it anyhow (helping out behind the scenes)…*sighs* I found out Wed. night that the choreographer (and my dance teacher/dear friend) changed the intro. (read aloud before the dance) to the dance from what she’d had all written out and prepared before - to the Scripture portion that the Lord had given me, Psalm 30, which I’d shared with her (in the context of my recent testimony). She told me that the Lord impressed on her very strongly to incooperate that Scripture… so, in a way, I’m still involved in that dance ~ in spirit.;) […]
Oh Beth, I am so sorry that you lost your little one - but I am glad that your grief drew you even closer to Father.
Beth,
Sweetie, words cannot express how sorry I am for you, Chris, and N&T. I know how much you all wanted this baby. A couple of months ago, I started thinking a lot about you and Chris conceiving. Now I know why. I just wish I had tried harder to find you!! I read this last night and couldn’t help, but cry. You’ve been on my heart all day today.
I understand how you feel. I’m not going to say I know how you feel though. I’ve lost a baby myself and I know how hard it can be (he/she was our first and went to Heaven even earlier than baby Judah Carmen). However, sweet friend, you have brought so much glory to the Lord in your grief. Your love for Him is so obvious, even under the worst circumstances. I have no doubt that the Lord will bless you with a new baby. I know I shouldn’t say that, but I really feel it.
Many Hugs & Blessings to you!!
Alli
Oh Alli~
You are such a precious friend! I am so thankful that you’ve taken the time to look me up again, and to catch up with me. Yes, the Lord must have laid me/us on your heart. We’ve had a very rough past few months, in many regards.
Thank you for your kind words, and your sweet presence. And truly, it’s okay for you to say that… I know that He will too, in His time. Thank you for saying so.
((love & hugs))
~your TN sis,
Beth