Search Results for "vas reversal"
{365:10-11} Savannah & Sabbath
Posted by: | Comments{365:10} Savannah Abigail, my "Rehoboth" (I hope to post more about that later, which is a matter of my getting around to copying from my personal journal to my blog here.) and her "Father's joy", our miracle baby.
{365:11} Isaiah 58.13, The Complete Jewish Bible
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
~ Exodus 20.8-11
{Thank you for visiting. I do welcome and value any input, comments and/or constructive criticism that you might have.}
about me
Posted by: | CommentsHi, I'm Beth and I'd like to say welcome and thank you so much for visiting my blog! I do hope that you find inspiration, truth and encouragement here! I'll never forget the day that I sat in a church listening to a guest speaker who made mention of his blog, and I wondered over the idea. That afternoon my hubby and I found blogger and discovered the world of blogdom.
It was actually Chris who pushed the idea, and encouraged me to start writing/publishing online. He even went so far as to set up my first blog, in the process giving it it's kooky name, "the brew*crew adventure", (which has somehow stuck over the years and a few online identity crisis/moves). What an interesting journey it has been, in so many ways and rewarding on so many levels. I have been humbly, and quite unexpectedly, delighted at the network of friends, support and inspiration I have found among my fellow bloggers on the web, especially among those within the homeschooling community.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
~ Ecclesiastes 3.11
Over the years, this has become a favorite Scripture of mine, the truth of which has brought me much peace. I've learned that truly, we never do know what each day holds, nor can we ever comprehend the Mind of God, yet I do know that no matter what, good times and bad, we are blessed and touched by the Hand of a Loving Creator who gives beauty for ashes... even especially when the adventure is hard. I love that verse because it speaks so deeply to me of TRUST. In the face of uncertainty and questioning doubt... I am learning to trust Him more, even as I'm learning to pray more.
Why am I brewing this blog anyways?
My Lord is continually surprising me with wonderful newness of life as my family and I adventure forth in the Way, as He leads us. So why am I writing along the way, and why this blog?
I write to relax, to hear, to think, sort things out, mark my path, to share, to remember and to better understand... to continue the process that began so many years ago when I discovered my love for thoughts framed with words.
I believe that the sentiments of William Makepeace Thackeray express perfectly why I love to write and do desire to write more as the seasons of my life allow.
There are a thousand thoughts lying within a man that he does not know till he takes up a pen to write.
This is basicly just a writing and photo journal of my days; musings, hopes, fears, faith and falterings as I adventure with my family through this amazing gift of life I've been given. My prayer is that this blog of mine would somehow bless those who happen upon it and meander within... Shalom, and welcome. Thanks for reading and feel free to email me anytime: beth.brewcrew@gmail.com. Please leave me comments anytime. I'd love to hear from you!
Who am I and what's in the brew?
Still want to know more about me, the brewess of this blog? Okay, first and foremost, I am a redeemed sinner, and I love my Messiah and King passionately. I have been married for 15 years now to my soulmate and best friend, my beloved- Christopher. The first five years of our marriage were the hardest... on so many levels. However, once we made it through that rocky start, it's just gotten better every year. Though our life circumstances sure haven't gotten any easier, we're becoming closer as we both grow in the Lord and our history together unfolds. We are deeply in love, something we've learned at times is a choice, rather than a mere feeling~ true, undying commitment~ the feelings follow the choices, and they will come and go.
As a little girl I dreamed of getting married and being a Mommy... and that hope that slowly faded for a period of many dark, seemingly lost years in the life a broken-hearted, very confused and searching girl turned rebellious, angry teenager has now come true and is a far greater, more fulfilling blessing than I ever could have imagined. Through the years, my Lord has brought healing to this soul and restored depths that I never even knew I'd lost.
Why do we homeschool our crew?
I am also blessed to be "Momma" to our beautiful children. Our eldest, Nathanael, just turned 14 years old this year! Our middle child is our 11 year old daughter, Tabitha, followed by our baby Judah, who is in heaven already, and most recently we have been blessed with our precious baby girl, Savannah, who arrived in August of 2007, right on her due date. Babies Judah and Savannah are both our vasectomy reversal miracle babies. I am more in awe of how blessed I have been to have these precious children every. single. day.
Chris and I have both been impressed with a strong conviction that the spiritual and academic upbringing of our children (not the State's!) is our greatest responsibility unto the Lord, after that of our own devotion to each other, and to Yah Himself. The reality is that we are simply discipling them daily, and the weighty responsibility of this fact, that one day we will give an answer for how we've led these individual souls, entrusted to us for but a short time, brings me to my knees, and the Word of Elohim more and more often as the years go by and our understanding increases.
I am loving learning with my kids as we spend time together homeschooling... there's (usually) absolutely nothing I'd rather be doing each day. I really do think that I get as much out of it as our kids do, if not more! I'm learning way more than I ever did in my own formal education, even in college, though probably mostly because I'm actually interested now, and have the wonderful luxury of time.
Our main goal in educating our kids would probably be to instill in them a love for learning, and to share a full life with them, made of rich memories built on a solid foundation from which they may one day fulfill their own destinies, life goals, missions and purpose.
Homeschooling has just seemed to Chris and I like the most natural progression in the world for our family, as a lifestyle of learning~ together. As our children have grown, so too have our educational endeavors! I remember when N was a baby, our meeting a family in our church who home schooled, and knowing immediately that that's what we wanted for our family. I started researching and readying myself when he was about 3 years old, 11 years ago now! This is our eighth year officially homeschooling, and I do believe that I'm finally starting to get the hang of it! Haha. Chris and I like to joke that even once our kids graduate and leave the nest, we'll continue homeschooling ourselves, since after all, life is learning... and learning is life!
Over the years, as we've had a few interstate moves and lots of other adventures- like babysitting more kids, our homeschool has seen many seasons of unschooling, but mostly "relaxed eclectic" would probably best describe our approach thusfar (or would it better be described as "structured unschooling"? hmmm, a conundrum), with Charlotte Mason aspirations. These last couple of years we've added a lot more structure as we're taking on more of a Classical approach, and Nathan and Tabitha are getting older and I'm learning how to best implement CM's methods in a meaningful way for us. Adjusting to life with a very busy, curious preschooler who only takes one 30-40 minute nap (if that!) on the average day has been our latest challenge! I'm slowly reading through Miss Mason's Homeschooling Series. The writings of John Taylor Gatto have challenged me, Ruth Beechick always encourages me and the teaching wisdom of Ray and Dorothy Moore has also inspired me greatly over the years.
What else am I brewing?
Besides wanting to be a better wife, "Mama", writer and home (un)schooler, I love art and still want to be an artist when I grow up. In the last few years I have discovered photography, and though my humble camera has served me well, I have also discovered a huge frontier of unexplored possibilities that a new camera might afford me. I am hoping, planning and praying, SO excited to do more with photography one day in the future, because I am hoping to FINALLY (about to) be the fumbling, nervous, overwhelmed owner of a brand-spankin'-new Nikon D40, along with some great lenses that I'll be blogging about as soon as we get them! if only I can (convince Chris that we can) afford it, and then keep him from regretting all this $ I'll be spending on it, and not to mention learn what the heck I'm doing! LOL So yeah, I dream of the day that I'll get a nice digital SLR (and Photoshop)!
There's just something magical about capturing moments in time, memories in images. In college I majored in fine art and sold most of my artwork, though I wish now that I hadn't, but needed the money then, starving artist and all. I fell in love with sculpture, painting and pottery those years and built on the passion for visual art that I've had since I can remember. Drawing and molding, shaping light and shadow was how I captured images... and maybe certainly someday I'll do some more of that. I dream of painting, literally! But for now, in this last decade and a half, life has been busy, my masterpieces have been my relationships, and I'm finding that I'd usually rather take pictures, preferring to capture the beauty of the natural light as it does the painting, carving out the intricate images our Creator has already fashioned all around us... plus, the more immediate gratification is nice.
Chris is a welder and likes to do metalwork, has done some wonderful sculptures. He'd also like to do more wood-working one day... so we both dream of one day having a huge metal building/studio area to work out of. It would be an absolute dream come true to create more art - with our kids!
Chris and I are also fascinated by the Hebrew language and all things Hebraic, and have wanted to learn Hebrew for many years, something I plan to do with my kids very soon. Chris now wants to learn it as well. I am convinced that in its most ancient form it was the original language Yahweh Himself must have spoken to Adam and Eve in as they strolled through the garden... My family and I have been so enriched in our faith through learning of and celebrating the Biblical Feasts and blessed as we're learning to take the commands and spiritual truths of Adonai, found in His Book of instruction, the Torah, more to heart over the years.
How this brew*crew adventure began...
I'm still an art student at heart... dreaming of eventually drawing and painting my childrens' portraits (beyond the quick sketches I've done over the years)... as a first step towards doing my art seriously again... One day, all in due time, right? However, as much as I enjoy creating, and anticipate doing more of it soon, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever draw as much again? In 1995 I quit art school to run off and get married, after only three months of knowing this crazy guy- my Christopher. Everyone thought we were nuts, and rightfully so- we were, and still are, but together! And look at what a life we've created together!
Somehow, cliche as it may sound, we really saw each other's cores and just knew we were each other's match. All I can say is that it's by God's grace that I met and married my man when I did (I was a mess and needed his accountability and the *safety* of his covering to grow in), and we've laughed over the years more than a few times at realizing how perfect we are for each other. Yeah, there have been times I've regretted dropping everything and moving so quickly, not finishing my degree, leaving friends and family, etc., yet I've never regretted where that choice has brought me, and understand now how necessary it probably even was. Does that make sense?
Still here, AND want to know more?!
I like to scrapbook, but hardly ever seem to find the time to do it much... am still working on my kids' baby albums. It's a relaxing hobby, and I like to scrap with my daughter. I'm thinking that once their baby albums are done though, that I'd like to take up digital scrapbooking. I used to be snobby about *crafty* things (something I picked up from the "fine art" crowd I guess). Now I'm not. I've since learned that crafting is creating and creating is soul food, in all its forms. However someone finds they can and do create- it is always good medicine.
I've found the same cathartic satisfaction in piecing and sewing a quilt, or intuitively timing all the dishes of a splendid home-cooked meal to be done at the same time, or growing and eating our own organic produce, or designing a beautiful scrapbook page layout, or learning knitting, or witnessing my kids assimilate new knowledge in meaningful ways, or facilitating their accomplishments, or discovering a bit more about myself as I write out my thoughts, or beading a perfect necklace as I ever did in painting the likeness of a landscape or fashioning a figure of wax and casting it in bronze. I've learned that living, really living, IS art!
I like to read to my kids and sing them lullabies at night. My kids still ask for their lullabies, and for me to read aloud to them... and I love that. I almost always oblige, knowing that someday they won't ask. Besides, they actually think I can sing! I've found that I also love to dance with my kids, and with my husband, but especially in worship before my Lord. I took an Irish tap dancing class with my kids for awhile, and loved it, along with an adult ballet class (with emphasis on basic technique and lyrical/interpretive worship choreography). Hebraic folk dancing is another form of dancing that I've had the pleasure of learning a bit of.
Chris and I dream of moving further out into the country someday, buying more land. He wants to be a farmer. I like to play in the dirt. We think that we'd like to have a dairy cow, or two (maybe a little raw milk co-op), gardens and breed-to-sell quail. I think it's so cool how we've both grown and changed so much over the years, yet we've stayed in sync with one another, sharing the same convictions, passions, goals and inclinations, a vision for our family. Meanwhile we have no idea how/if we'll get there, having recently sold our country cottage home on two acres in NE TN and moved up here to PA where Chris was offered a great (long-awaited!) telecom job. We're all feeling a bit over-socialized as we adjust to neighborhood living again, but are thankful to have found a monthly rental that allows us to have our spoiled-rotten 100# German Shepherd indoors with us (as he's used to) while we acclimate to a new setting.
We are in transition mode for the time being, and eager to see what the Lord has in store for us along the way... where He'll lead us to next (will we be staying here for long, or will Chris be transferred to a new location?). Having moved around a lot in my life (both before and since being married), you'd think that I'd be used to this by now, but I'm not. My roots grew deeper there in NE TN every day of the five years we lived there, and even in southern TN the last year we spent there living off the equity $ from selling our home, while Chris applied for work all over the nation. I'm missing our *home* there (which was our network of friends as much as the area itself). But then, nomadic soul that I am, part of me is enthusiastically relishing all of the changes and newness yet ahead of us. I do believe that I could/would make myself at home most anywhere, and for that I am thankful. I've been blessed to make (and even keep up with) such wonderful friends, who enrich my life in so many ways, at every point along the way.
Thank you for reading and I invite you to join my family and I as we continue in this amazing adventure, these fleeting days that I shall attempt to capture and hold a little bit longer by journaling with both words and pictures of this gift of life we've been given.
Embracing the adventure,

I also love long road trips, always have... they somehow offer time to reflect upon where we've been and recalibrate, to plan and anticipate the future and where I'm headed... not to mention the nostalgia they offer from years gone by, as I grew up the eldest child of a hippie who married a southern belle, both of whom had gypsy souls... and so we traveled, year to year, from state to state. Hitting the road is soul food for me. We are nomads in this life, after all ya know. Here's a little something I wrote a few years ago, a sort of road trip down memory lane, if you will...
Where I'm from... an old brew, dark & rich...
I am from the backseat of endless drives down interstates to the tune of “Strawberry Fields Forever” playing on the 8-track, rest stops and picking up hitchhikers in “Clyde” - the old Chevy van (who “ran on dinosaur blood”) we kids had helped our Dad to paint camoflauged. I’m from camping out with my sister and brothers in the back of “Bonnie”, the winged station wagon who carried us from Mississippi to the great NW, in search of something more. I am from canned mackerel on plain bread sandwiches passed back, which tasted so good to hungry children.
I’m from knowing that we’d always be moving soon and not thinking about it much, except that I hated new schools. I am from miles of wide open road, wondering over how the moon traveled with us always, and how the dew glistened on the spiders’ webs in the sparkling morning light as I stepped outside of our wet little tent, eager to discover what adventures awaited me… reminding my Mother of Alice in Wonderland, from freezing one snowy winter night spent on the lip of the Grand Canyon, forgetting myself as I took in the awesome morning sight…
Favorite Movies: Fiddler on the Roof, Bleak House, Les Miserables, Braveheart, The Sound of Music, Little Women, Mary Poppins, The Black Stallion, Black Beauty, Dreamer, Because of Winn Dixie, Ben Hur, El Cid, The Princess Bride, Pride & Prejudice, Emma, Anne of Green Gables (the whole series), Love Comes Softly, Phantom of the Opera (the new one), Life is Beautiful, The Chosen, Sarah Plain & Tall, Secondhand Lions, Four Feathers
Favorite Books: The Book of Psalms & Hebrews, Bible, Pilgrim's Progress by Bunyan, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, Song of Songs by Watchman Nee, The Miracle of the Scarlet Thread by Booker, The Original Homeschooling Series by Charlotte Mason, For the Children's Sake by Macaulay, Follow the River by Thom, Christy by Catherine Marshall, The Fisherman's Lady by George MacDonald, The Baronet's Song by G. MacDonald, The Tutor's First Love by G. MacDonald, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, First Light by Bodie & Brock Thoene, The Book of Sorrows & The Dun Cow by Walter Wangerin, Jr.
Music: Well, that's everchanging, but I'm always especially fond of folk music, enjoying learning classical composers with the kids (part of our AO studies), jazz, worship, Messianic, some contemporary Christian, some classic rock, alternative, some oldies, etc., etc.
Song
Stay, stay at home, my heart, and rest;
Home-keeping hearts are happiest,
For those that wander they know not where
Are full of trouble and full of care;
To stay at home is best.Weary and homesick and distressed,
They wander east, they wander west,
And are baffled and beaten and blown about
By the winds of the wilderness of doubt;
To stay at home is best.Then stay at home, my heart, and rest;
The bird is safest in its nest;
O'er all that flutter their wings and fly
A hawk is hovering in the sky;
To stay at home is best.
My Family from WiddlyTinks.comheader photo., et al.
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miracle babies
Posted by: | CommentsWell... okay, I know, I know... ALL babies are miracles really, gifts and blessings from God. But these two babies are especially special to me, because they very well could/would not have been, if not for the faith and drastic measures taken by their fathers (men among men I tell ya, to have gone "under the knife" twice!), because they have been prayed for, and hoped for, for so very long, because they represent healing (in more ways than just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually), because they represent an ever-burning hope in the miraculous, and their mothers' faith in the Lord's intentions to bless her family with life more abundantly, even when it seemed physically impossible.
This is a pic of my friend Cindy and I, taken week before last. We're both pregnant with our very own miracle babies, both of which were conceived after our husbands had vasectomy reversals. Chris had his vas reversal in December of 2004, and her hubby had his in April of 2006. She's due this month - June, and I'm due in August. We were just talking this morning about how great it is to see how far the Lord has brought us, and to be able to "bump bellies" now, when this time last year, her hubby was recovering from his reversal, and I was recovering from the loss of Chris and I's first reversal baby.
Another dear friend of ours, Susie (whose baby-shower is tonight!) is also pregnant and due right between Cindy and I. I wish that I had a pic of all three of us together, but I forgot to bring my camera to Cindy's baby shower, when pics of us three prego women were being taken, and have yet to even see the pics that were taken of us together there. What fun it is to share in this miracle of life, and being pregnant together! Our Lord certainly is merciful... to think how hard it would have been for me, to have gone through this season with so many friends expecting, and not been myself. I'm so thankful that He opened up my womb and allowed Chris and I to conceive another life, and for me to be healthy, and carrying her to term.
Chris and I have decided to name our miracle baby either Savannah Abigail, or Abigail Savannah... we still have to decide which we'd rather call her daily, Savannah or Abby... Either is really fine with me, but I do think it would be fun to have an "Abby and Tabby"... but in deference to Chris, I also said Savannah would be fine.. He, in deference to me, says Abigail would be fine... and so, we are in a stalemate of indecision, typical of us really! N and T may very well end up choosing which name goes first!
Abigail is Hebrew for "Joy of the Father" or "Father's joy"... and of course, I cannot help but to admire the Abigail of the Bible, the wise and courageous woman who ended up marrying David, after her own husband died. Abigail is one of my favorites, my choice.
And Savannah is one of Chris's choices, his favorite, which he'd actually suggested a couple of years ago even, for if we ever had another girl. It's Spanish for... *drumroll*... "open plain" or a "treeless plain". Heehhehehe, yeah, I know, I know, not much there at first glance (another initial hurdle for me to get over before being able to *accept* it, once I'd gotten past its geographical association), but then, once we thought to put it with what I'd settled my heart on, Abigail... I got to thinking... what does a "treeless, open plain" make you think of... maybe a desolate place?... yet fertile too... How about a wide, open place, full of fertile potential for growth and blessings! Well, then I just fell in love with the whole name... because it seemed like it had come together perfectly, confirmation (name meanings are significant to me, can you tell?) if you will.
This little miracle baby is the first I shall hold in my arms after years of mourning over our hasty decision to have the vasectomy in the first place. She would not have even been if Chris hadn't had his vas reversal, and even after his reversal, it took over a year for us to even conceive our first post-vas baby, and then to lose that baby I'd dreamt of, and longed for, for years was so hard... and then also, the time of this little baby's conception, right before our baby Judah would have been born had we not lost him... strange to think of really. It certainly was an "open plain", desolate, yet fertile, and even promising, time in our lives together as a family. What a blessing to have received the news of our expecting a new life at that time (via the restoration of our fertility as a couple even). I just know that she is and will continue to be just that, the seed of hope, and JOY sent from our own heavenly Father, destined to be, even as we mourned, though we didn't know it yet through all those years... and she will certainly be her earthly "Father's joy" and reward, I'm sure.
Yes, I just have to say that again... She will be the "joy of her Father" in the midst of a desolate (yet in the Lord's hands and providential timing, fertile), hard place/time in our lives (in so many ways)! We have learned and gained, and still are learning and gaining so much through this season in our lives. The Lord has never forsaken us, but has grown us and worked it all together for our good, and she is evidence of that, a reminder of one of His many promises fulfilled. And I just know that this baby girl is the seed/promise of the now realized answer to a long-held and fervently offered prayer of mine, for us. Already, I cannot imagine our lives if we hadn't made the decision to welcome more children into our family. And I know that this little girl will be a blessing to us all, forever a reminding evidence of what joys will be added to us when we choose to trust our Creator... heavenly treasures.
*Note* Only 2.5 more months to go!! I can hardly believe it!!
My latest cravings have been for: crispy, juicy apples, bananas smothered with peanut butter, meaty sub-sandwiches-toasted with lots of mayo, pepper-jack cheese and fresh tomatoes- preferably with potatoe chips and a dill pickle on the side - for crunch (it matters!), and Hershey's milk chocolate...
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
~ Romans 8.28
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.
By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.~Hebrews 11.1-3
Celebrating Life: One Woman’s Journey
Posted by: | CommentsA dear friend of mine, Cindy Jones, has recently found out that she is now carrying her fifth child within her, a miracle and a blessing from heaven with a magnificent story to tell of God's Grace, shown forth in the lives of this beautiful family. I am overjoyed to be able to share with you here, in her own words, Cindy's testimony... as written over a period of time. It's a true testament to the redemptive, restorative power of a loving and intimately present Creator God, Yahshua (Hebrew for Jesus), which means "Yahweh Saves". I hope that you are as blessed by her story as I am.
~Beth
Celebrating Life: Part 1, A Choice...

I am pro-life because ...
the prayers of the righteous avail much (Thank you, you know who you are!)
I know the pain, guilt and shame of abortion.To choose death for a child is also to choose death in every part of the mother's and father's lives, but not many are willing to tell that part of abortion.
I KNOW the grace, mercy, love, healing and forgiveness of Christ Jesus!
I am pro-life, most importantly, because when God says that you are made new in Christ He means it!
I had an abortion when I was 18. In some ways it brought relief, but that was only temporary (less than hours). Almost immediately I fell into a deep depression, wanting to die, behaving in ways that made it possible to die and choosing an even more damaging lifestyle for myself. After my abortion it didn't matter how I lived; I was already dead. I died in the clinic along with my child. Oh, but there was justification, it was my choice, after all and that is what women before me had fought for. So, I found a new normal, and I did quit most of my wildness and tried to move along with my life. I did just barely okay.
Then it happened ... I got pregnant again ... three short years later ... under similar circumstances. Still proudly pro-choice I
decided that I would "choose" to keep this child. I didn't know what I was going to do, I just knew I wasn't going to go through abortion again. (Sadly, because so many women don't know the the truth, and don't "think" they have loving people around them they choose to abort again. It is only by the grace of God and the prayers of the righteous, that I didn't this time. My heart goes out to the women that abort again.) I went to my first OB-GYN appointment and they did an ultrasound that first day. That first day I saw my little boy (now nearly 13yo) at 8 weeks swimming around in my womb.
I couldn't believe what I saw. I had seen this in books, I knew the formation of a child by the day and by the week, but it was never real. I asked the tech, "How old is that baby?" to which she excitedly answered, "8 weeks!" The full realization of what I had done hit me at that moment like a ton of bricks. I was 8 weeks pregnant when I aborted my first child and here, before my eyes was a person, swimming, in my womb. I couldn't believe what I had done. So, I became more militant in my pro-choice stance — choosing to have this baby. It is funny, almost, how when we're confronted with the reality of our sin that we do more to justify the sin.
But our God is a loving God wanting all of us to come to Him through his son, Jesus. And He just wouldn't leave me alone. For that, I am thankful. And eventually I accepted the Christ that I already knew as my savior. He began the healing and changing of me. It was only through Bible study and prayer that my pro-choice stance was changed to pro-life. I don't know when it happened exactly, but the scales fell from my eyes and my heart was changed. It still took time and study to accept the forgiveness that was there for me. But the cross is enough to cover all our sins.
That which Satan (that great big liar, thief and cheat) meant to harm (and does), God, truly, can use for good (and does!). That's why I am pro-life. Because I love women and want to help them realize that Jesus loves their babies AND them I am pro-life. Because of my children now living with me I am pro-life. And so that my child that's waiting for me in heaven didn't die in vain I AM PRO-LIFE!
Celebrating Life: Part 2, A Family
Right after Todd and I were married we got pregnant with our Olivia. What a treat. We didn't know that your heart could open up that much to love another child. Then I was pregnant yet again! Here I am holding a five month old baby and looking unbelievingly at the positive pregnancy test. It wasn't good or bad news. Just exhausting news. We had just drastically changed our lives by cutting our income in half so I could stay home with Olivia, we were trying to sell our big nice house to move to HUD housing in a less desirable part of town, and unbeknownst to either of us, I was suffering mild post-partum depression, which only got worse day by day through Garrett's pregnancy.
Once he was born it went from bad to worse. Todd did not pass go and did not collect his $200.00 on the way to the urologist to have his vasectomy! It was a hard time, and because I was so psycho it seemed the right thing to do. Did we pray? No. While I was uncomfortable with the vasectomy because it was so permanent, it seemed the obvious solution to our "problem." However, about a year later God just put it on my heart so heavy that it was not the right choice for us that I mentioned a reversal to my husband.
"NO" was his reply. I can't remember whether he laughed it or yelled it, but "no" was indeed what was on his heart. (I couldn't blame him, really, God had raised us from the depths and he didn't want to go back.) So, I prayed. And prayed and prayed. Five years later God changed my husband's heart. We researched vasectomy reversal doctors, made and appointment and this past April we travelled to Arkansas and did the deed. I couldn't believe the love my husband showed me through that procedure. Trust me, it's not near as "clean" as the original vasectomy. Anyway, we just knew that we'd get pregnant right away. I mean, right away, and it was so discouraging when we didn't. We had a plan, but as always, God did, too. Needless to say, His was better.
Celebrating Life: Part 3, A Miracle
Here I sit, early Friday, October 13th, writing an update to ya'll. You see this morning Todd and I got up early to take a first morning confirmation pregnancy test - and it was positive. The one I took yesterday afternoon was, too. Just wanted to be sure you know. What a gift.
But you see, there's more to this gift than meets the eye. As I sit here typing I am overwhelmed with God's gift of grace and mercy, and how he heals, but not just heals, but returns that which you gave away or was taken from you. You see, 17 years ago on this very day, at this very moment I was getting ready to go to the abortion clinic. And I did go. Ya'll know. October 13th comes and goes, but not always on Friday. (This is not some weird oh, Friday the 13th is bad, had it been Tuesday the 20th, it would hold the same meaning to me) It's always been in the back of my mind a sad day at most, a melancholy day at least. But God, in his great love, has given a new memory for this day. Waking up early, making coffee and me and Todd together watching (happily, I might add) as the little line turned blue. I just don't understand how God could be this good.
So, please pray. Pray that the baby sticks!
Pray, that I'm healthy during this pregnancy (and don't eat too much!) Join me in
Thanksgiving to God (even if you think we're crazy!). Thank you for praying for this in the first place.
printed with permission from the author, Cindy Jones
Her testimony may be found in part, along with others at whyiamprolife.com
Our Blessings
Posted by: | Comments"The question is not, -- how much does the youth know? when he has finished his education -- but how much does he care? and about how many orders of things does he care? In fact, how large is the room in which he finds his feet set? and, therefore, how full is the life he has before him?"
— Charlotte Mason (School Education: Developing a Curriculum)
How quickly they do grow up. Though the days sometimes seem long, the years are so very short!
Our precious baby girl, "baby S", aka. "Boo-Bear" was born on August 21, 2007 and is not much of a baby any longer! She is our long-awaited, dreamed about, hoped for and Faith-promised miracle baby, a special gift from our Heavenly Father, such an answer to years of prayer.
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"T" ~ aka. Tab, Taba, Pookie-Princess, or My Darling Gazelle, our graceful warrior (Hebrew meaning of her name)~
T is my dancing girl, an imaginative and artistic equestrian who loves Jesus, and her family. She loves cats, birds and is obsessed with all things horse-related and has been since she was two years old. She looks just like I did as a child, except that she has her Daddy's big brown eyes, and she tans like an Indian (comes from the Cherokee blood on her Dad's side too). She's inherited both of her parents' artistic bents, and my book-wormish ways and love for writing. I'll often find her lounging in her room writing in one of her journals.
She diligently grooms and works at training our dog, which she showed for the first time this last summer. She was blessed to have taken three years of horse riding lessons. She loves animals and would like to be a large animal veterinarian one day, and "have a ranch and train horses". She says she may have a family and teach her own children one day, but she "mostly wants to be a missionary, and might not even get married". She's extremely giving, and an affectionate encourager. She's also quite industrious~ daily practicing her violin, drawing, painting, weaving, crocheting or sewing something for someone. She also enjoys cooking and baking, and spends a LOT of time in the kitchen with me.
She's quite determined to keep up with her big brother, and usually does. Though she prefers playing rugged and tough, catching frogs and snakes, climbing trees, building forts, target-shooting and playing air soft gun wars with the boys, she will also paint her nails with her girlfriends (though she takes it off as soon as she can, ie; they leave or she comes home.*laughing*). She'll indulge her girl-friends in playing dolls, but would much rather play with her Breyer or Schleich horse collections. On occasion, she will even dawn a dress for the day, or a special outing, and request that her hair be "put up" extravagantly... like a true princess, but usually, she prefers jeans and a t-shirt.
Tabitha has a blog where every now and then she publishes some of her writings here: Samson & Me

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"N" ~ aka. Bubby, Bubba, Bub & Sugarbear, our first-fruits blessing and offering back to the LORD!~
N is our first born, a naturalist who enjoys outdoors exploration, and "Adventure!", as well as being home - often exclaiming "There's just nothing like coming home!". Yeah, he's a homebody, like his Mama! *laughing* He loves Adonai and has blessed our heart over the years as we've witnessed his ever-growing, genuine love for reading his favorite book, the Bible! I'll often find him snuggled up with it on the couch, exclaiming, "I just can't help it! This is so interesting!", or "Hey Mom, listen to this..." as he proceeds to expound upon some item or story of interest he's just read and is musing over.
He enjoys learning history, and read a LOT of great literature, loves historic documentaries and movies, as well as any and all nature and cooking shows, enjoys playing the guitar, science experiments and he's also becoming a great cook... and loves to eat, a LOT. He dreams of being a husband and father someday, and maybe an architect, biologist, engineer, policeman, or fireman, but says most likely, he'll be an archaeologist or a Marine... or might just teach history. He also loves animals, takes wonderful care of our 110# German Shepherd doggie, Samson, and will always have a great affinity for the pony, Frost-Man, that he rode, trained on, bonded with and competed on as a boy.
He's a very logical thinker, with a bent for philosophy. Though he tends to see things in black and white, he's very sensitive to others, and has his Daddy's soft-heartedness. He has a strong sense of justice, and a keen desire to "help other people"... often praying for God to "help all those people in difficult times and difficult places". He enjoys target-shooting, having air-soft gun wars with his friends, woodworking, had a blast in his hip-hop dance class (to Christian/praise music, before we moved) and hopes to get a nice off-road dirt bike one day soon and looks forward to going camping with the whole family, and hunting with his Dad.
Chris and I are just so very proud of the handsome, thoughtful and Yah-loving young man that our son is growing into. What a joy to be his Mother, and what a blessing it is to have a son that we so thoroughly enjoy spending time with, and who so cares for his family. I've woken up many mornings to him cooking breakfast, or quietly snuggled up, reading storybooks to one or both of his sisters. How I adore my *Sugarbear*.
We love him, he truly is "a double portion gift from God" (the Hebrew meaning of his name).

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And, you may read about our heavenly blessing, and first vas-reversal baby, Judah Carmen, who went straight from the womb~ to heaven, here; life, loss & love
My Beloved
Posted by: | CommentsIt's been too long since I just sat down, and wrote out my blessings from the Lord... especially those found in my dear husband.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
~James 1.17
101 + Reasons I LOVE my husband, Christopher Steven...
1. He saw past my imperfections, and married me over 11 14! years ago now... after only knowing me for 3 months!
2. He's told me that he's still glad he married me. He never remembers his dreams, but one day did, and told me it was a horrible dream in which he'd felt such dread because he'd lost me, and felt so alone without me... I needed to hear that.
3. He REALLY loves our kids...
4. He likes to play Scrabble, and Boggle, even beats me (sometimes)...
5. He has taught our kids to play Backgammon, Chess, and plays with them regularly...
6. He's taller than me, and has the deepest dark brown eyes I've ever seen.
7. He loves to stay up late playing cards with friends.
8. He can fix anything, and make anything... from designing and building a house - to jewelry and drawings for our kids.
9. He likes to watch Little House on the Prairie and Jane Austen movies with me.
10. He loves the Lord Jesus, and has made the Word of God our home's bedrock.
11. He bought a $1,000,000 life insurance policy on himself to insure that I could always be a SAHM, and homeschool our kids if something ever happened to him...and having had my Dad get killed in a car wreck when I was only 14yo, and seeing my Mom struggle to support my 4 siblings and I, this means alot to me... He encourages other men to do the same.
12. He's as much a homeschooling zealot as I am!
13. He's teaching me and the kids how to shoot and handle guns, and a bow and arrow. He plans to take Nathan hunting soon.
14. He bought me a German Shepherd pup, twice.
15. He loves me, and teases me ALOT.
16. He wrestles with our kids.
17. He reads the Bible with us all.
18. He leads our family in prayer and worship.
19. He dreams big, and then plans to make things happen.
20. He continues to TRUST God when things don't happen as he'd planned...
21. He believes in my dreams, usually more than I do myself, and continually urges me to pursue my interests.
22. He helped me to quit smoking before we were married.
23. He loves antiques, old barns, log cabins and long road trips (so do I).
24. He wants to live further out in the country, and learn the lost arts of homesteading... (but we'll skip 4 a.m. milkings!)
25. He likes to read and keep up with geo-politics.
26. He's passionate about what he believes in.
27. He believes in freedom.
28. He knows the Civil War was really about alot more than slavery, and identifies with the South, the Confederacy.
29. He's humble.
30. He doesn't mind having cereal, or sandwiches for dinner if I'm busy. He'll even offer to "get it myself" and has cooked up some great meals himself... so nice sometimes.
31. He's a talented artist.
32. He had the vision to move us to TN, and after years of waiting, got us here.
33. Regardless of how financially trying some years have been for us, he's never considered pressuring me to go to work outside of our home, though he's supported me the couple of times I tried it.
34. He loves to give sacrificially, and does so with genuine good will.
35. He cries...
36. He laughs, alot!
37. As soon as I let on that I want something, anything, he's scouting before I know it...
38. He's got the gift of thrift, like me.
39. He loves the outdoors.
40. He takes evening walks alone, to pray...
41. He likes to go camping.
42. He makes me (a total homebody) get out of the house...
43. He forgives people...
44. He invited my brother J (who is hard to be around) to go on a long road trip with him during his last visit... his idea, very considerate.
45. He's supported me when I've needed him most.
46. He loves my family like his own.
47. He gave me the sweetest Mom, Dad and Grandmother.
48. He's written me love poems before we met, and since we've been together.
49. He's made me cards... he picks out cards for me with our children.
50. Once, when we were seperated for 2 months due to a move (he was getting work and a place to live, we joke that he was "preparing a place for us"), he sent the cutest postcards to the kids, full of picture messages they could "read", and called us every night.
51. He's a man of integrity. He's had a hard time as a salesman, because he's so honest, and other competitors would outsell him by lying... he had customers regretfully come back to him and say they wished they'd have listened to him... He's rightfully named his new business "Integrity Contracting".
52. His hands are strong, and gentle.
53. He cracks my back for me, and gives me massages.
54. He likes my hair long.
55. He doesn't mind my buying ALOT of books, and even makes bookshelves for me (us).
56. He reads storybooks to our children, and tucks them in with lullabies.
57. He likes to hear what I think, and tell me what he thinks.
58. He doesn't mind if we disagree...
59. When he realizes he's been wrong, he repents, even to our children.
60. He's growing in so many wonderful ways...
61. He loves children, and not just our own.
62. He loves, and I believe would die for TRUTH.
63. His fave movies are Braveheart, Clear and Present Danger and the Patriot .
64. He listens to a variety of musical styles.
65. He works hard, and is teaching our son to do the same.
66. He believes that God's first ministry for a man is to his wife and children.
67. He trusts me enough to hand me the reigns as to researching and choosing our homeschooling/academic direction each year.
68. He's taught our children, by example, to respect and prefer others.
69. He chose to not have cable t.v. in our house, for all the right reasons.
70. He's a faithful friend.
71. He puts up with me.
72. He helps me with my gardening, even bought us a tiller this summer.
73. He's a man of vision... and he inspires me, and moves me.
74. He tried to save a baby raccoon we found while hiking one day. It was all eaten up with ants, and suffering terribly - we brought it home, and cleaned it up... it died while he was at the pet shop buying kitten formula, but our kids will never forget that he tried. He also saved 3 baby (pinky) squirrels that fell out of a tree he felled at work one day. Nathan was with him at work that day, and so excited to save them... they did live.
75. He loves learning history as much as I do... we're all learning it together.
76. He's been a Royal Rangers leader at our church.
77. He's sensitive to the Spirit, and openly lays hands upon, and prays for people as he is so led. He believes in and operates in the giftings of the Spirit.
78. He abhors and resists hype, doublespeak, fallacious thinking and propaganda.
79. He's embraced the Biblical holidays, and enjoys learning more about them, and celebrating these Feasts as a family, and with friends...
80. He's not afraid of being different... he challenges others with his strong convictions. He befriends whomever the Lord sends to him.
81. He knows what it's like to be fatherless... we both look to our Lord as Father.
82. He's idealistic, but not legalistic.
83. He works on our vehicles, and lawnmower, and has fixed them over and over again...
84. He remodeled and built onto our first house, having me help where I could (mostly painting and landscaping)... I'm continually amazed at what he can DO.
85. When he was in the US Air Force, he was black-balled and ridiculed by his comrades, for his Christian faith, yet his steadfastness never wavered. That's when I met him.
86. He saved most of his paychecks while in the USAF, for when he would marry someday, to have a nest egg to start out with. We needed that $, such discipline and forethought.
87. He supports my endeavors to start healthy habits. He bought a water distiller for us, and plans to did buy me a grain mill. He bought me a kitchen-aid mixer for Mother's Day, and teases me every time I use it that I'm spoiled rotten... I am!
88. He would never lord over me... he is my companion and friend. He is balanced and Biblical in his understanding of our positions and identity in Christ.
89. He is my head, my leader, my prince, my Knight, sent by my Lord, my protector in the flesh. He gives of himself to serve me and our children. He loves me with decided commitment... he's forgiven me much, without telling me about it.
90. He hugs and kisses our son and daughter. He tells T she's beautiful.
91. He's never given up on me.
92. He's patient, and teaches our children many things that I could not.
93. He's teaching them woodworking. They've made bird houses, extravagant rubber band guns, and pinewood derby cars, among other things.
94. He bathed our 90 lb. pup, and our ferrets today while I sat here blogging...;)
95. He looks so cute with his glasses on.
96. He bought me the MOST beautiful white gold anniversary band with Ani l'dodi v'dodi li (Hebrew for "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.", from the Song of Songs 6.3) inscribed into it, for our 10 yr. wedding anniversary...and we really couldn't afford it...;) He's always pointing out things to me that he knows I'd like, when we're brousing flea markets and antique shops...
97. He has this habit of helping people, and always is on the lookout for others, watches the classified ads for deals on items that he knows our friends may be looking for... he gets a kick out of blessing people.
98. He's let our kids sleep in our room, and bed even, whenever they've felt they needed to (which is more often than not).
99. He likes to lead us in taking communion together, at home, as a family.
100. He likes to stay up late with me, just reading together, or eating ice cream and watching a good movie...
101. He has more than once pulled over on the side of the road to pick me wildflowers, quite to my delighted surprise.
(Okay, I can't stop, I just keep thinking of things now!!)
102. He's turned around, and pulled over to help strangers stranded on the road numerous times.
103. When we've argued, and he's been angry and left to cool off, he's always returned. And we always make up...
104. He's pig headedly stubborn not easily intimidated, and doesn't give up easily.
105. In seasons of desperation and despair, he's turned to our Lord with prayer and fasting.
106. He takes every opportunity to give the Lord all the credit for every success he's had.
107. He often opens in prayer with the words, "Lord, we know that we are NOTHING without you, and we NEED you..."
108. He thinks before he talks.
109. He doesn't throw around compliments loosely... so when he compliments me, I know that he means it, and my heart skips a beat.
110. He's told me that I'm doing a good job with our kids, and that I'm a good Mother... and somehow makes me believe it.
111. I'm better because of him... and I want to be a better wife to him. He deserves the best.
112. I will enjoy growing old with him.
113. He makes me laugh when I don't feel like laughing, which can be maddening.
114. He keeps me from taking myself, or anyone else, too seriously.
115. He arranged a wonderful surprise birthday party for me on my 28th... had all our friends in on it. It was so much fun! No one else had ever done that for me before...
116. He's in my dreams a lot... just there, strong and safe.
117. I've learned that I can always trust him more than anyone else in the world.
118. He's a good judge of character.
119. He values my insights and opinions on matters, and always consults me over important issues, or decisions that need to be made.
120. He loves to talk and talk and talk, when he's ready. I'm learning to wait.
121. He'll spontaneously suggest that we drop everything and just go for a day-long drive - and we do, looking and dreaming and reminiscing together, with good tunes on the radio, and our kids (who've become accustomed to roadtrips) in the back.
122. We're at home when we're together.
123. He rented a little log cabin out on a remote 30 acres in the Smoky Mtns. for a long wknd., to celebrate my 29th b-day, and we brought the kids. It had a library, and we bought fudge in Gatlinburg, hiked, played checkers and read... The rest of the world disappeared that weekend, while we were in a corner of heaven together. He gave me a card in which he'd written to me of his thankfulness for my putting him and the kids first. I still have it. I will never forget that wknd. when we slept in a loft, with the window open and the babbling of the brook beneath us calling our hearts to TN. I can still hear the wind in the trees, which sounded like rushing water... he's given me the greatest gifts.
124. He's given me our children... even had a vasectomy reversal to enable our last ones.
125. He works harder than anyone I know, and he's always provided for us.
126. Our children adore him.
127. He's as hooked on Lost as I am.
128. When I was pregnant, he'd surprise me with mexican pizzas from Taco Bell, just because he knows how much I love them.
129. He'll juice a lemon for my water without my asking him to.
130. He likes to get in the kitchen and help me cook our big weekend breakfasts brunches.
131. When the need was there, and I felt led to ask him, he didn't hesitate to open our home to my youngest brother for a couple of years. Bringing a teenager into your home changes the dynamics of your entire life, trust me. It wasn't always easy, but Chris never questioned whether it was the right thing to do. He and Daniel have a special bond now.
132. He actually took the time to make a splint and wrap for my favorite hen, Pertelote's, broken leg, after she accidentally got stuck under the tractor coop while it was being moved. Then, he even set her up with her own little private roosting area and pen to be safe while she healed, which she did, amazingly. Oh, it was hilariously pitiful! You should have seen her hopping around on her leg tied to a stick for awhile.
life, loss & love
Posted by: | CommentsYou have turned my weeping into dancing...
~Ps. 30.11
That was the Scripture promise that my calendar displayed last month, a promise I saw fulfilled when I conceived that precious little baby we'd hoped and prayed for for a long, long time. Now, I'm seeing that promise fulfilled yet again, but in a different, deeper sort of way, as this past week, and last weekend I have experienced the depths of a terrible grief, and then the peace of a soft and glowing hope.
I hardly know where to begin, and have had a hard time finding words to express all that has been going on with me, with us... Please forgive my long silence, but it's taken me this time away, this week of being alone with my thoughts, with the Lord, and with our family to come to terms with what's happened.
*tearful sighs* I lost the baby last Saturday morning, at 6 wks. and 3 days. The tears flowed endlessly on Saturday, as I said good-bye to a child I've yet to meet. I was immersed in waves of grief, numbing sorrow and disbelief as I bled out the life that I'd held for such a very short time. I don't remember ever weeping so... I am okay now though, I really am. We're all dealing with it together, and the Lord is Faithful. Oh, HE is so good. He has brought healing and closure in some beautiful ways, though I'm sure that I/we shall always carry an ache in our heart over this.
"Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the presence of God."
~Elisabeth Elliot
In the last few days, I've experienced the stark reality of that statement in a way that I never had before. I had started bleeding last Thursday, actually just spotting brown. Then on Saturday morning I woke up to red, flowing blood and clots passing. I think I was in shock... I think I even saw the little fetus... it was pretty traumatic, and I had to catch my breath, and it took me a few minutes before I could even say anything to Chris, whom I'd walked right past as I exited the bathroom. I went straight to my bed and just started bawling into my pillow, though at that point I wasn't even sure I'd lost the baby, couldn't be certain... yet, I knew deep down that it was happening... And eerily enough, I'd dreamed that it happened a couple of weeks earlier, and had even told a friend about my nightmare. By then, Chris was sitting next to me, with his arm around me, just being strong and silent, my solid rock. Oh, what an anchor our loved ones can be, holding us steady, keeping us from drifting too far out into oblivion... simply by their presence. T brought me back too...
N had spent the night with a friend, and his friend's Mom, who is a very good friend of mine, called me about that time (while I was still in freak-out, "what's happening, this can't be happening" mode) and I just burst into tears on the phone and told her what was happening, and that I suspected that I was miscarrying. She was then crying with me, and prayed with me and offered to come and get T and take our kids to the park with her family for the day. So, I thankfully accepted her offer, and willed myself to calm down so that I wouldn't alarm T, who was by that time coming into my bedroom and asking what was wrong with me, and why was I crying. I just assured her that I was okay, and would she like to go to the park with Bubby and our friends. She was delighted, and this was just what I needed... to be able to just be alone with my tears, my God, and with Chris for most of the day, as I said good-bye to this child I'd met in my dreams numerous times.
My friend had recommended that I call another friend of ours, who's had had 2 miscarriages, and one baby born at 27 wks., which only lived for three days... and so I did. And what perfect timing it all was, because this friend's kind and thoughtful words were just what I'd needed to hear ~ to steady me. She spoke of how each child is a miracle and there's a blessing in them, no matter how long we hold them... and I believed her, and wanted to know the blessings God intended from this little one. I'm certain that his/her purpose is immense, and beyond my understanding. In the midst of such sorrow, she spoke hope over my situation, and she prayed with me as well...
She recommended that I call my doctor, and I did. Her calm direction and halting words were heaven sent. As I'd suspected, the Dr. said that if I was miscarrying, then there was nothing that could be done to stop it, and only go in to the ER if necessary because of excessive pain or bleeding. I did go into the Dr.'s office on Tuesday and had an ultrasound to make sure that all is okay. I'm okay... just empty.;(
But, back to the way it went... It was a beautiful, sunny and windy/cool day here on Saturday... and I was aimless, restless, and grieving. So I went outside and just sat... weeping behind my sunglasses, waiting for the rest of the inevitable. Chris sat a chair out on the hill for me, and one for T, who was waiting for her ride to the park. I silently thanked the Lord for our view... and took in the healing warmth offered by the sun, the peace from the sight of the sloping hills covered in flowers and the escape offered by the restless wind, whooshing all around me and whispering through the trees like water. The weather and His creation was so very therapeutic and calming... T thoughtfully fetched us some umbrellas (*aaaaw*) and cold water... how she made me smile, even then, as I tasted the salt tears flowing from behind my sunglasses... She sat decidedly beside me, somehow knowing that I needed her, and certainly aware that I was very sad. And she offered the most perfect antecdote, her quiet, accepting presence... bittersweet moments they were.
I am so thankful for my precious husband and our beautiful children, the blessings we have. I'm filled with a new found gratitude and awareness of and for them. I am simply so thankful for this glorious day that our Father has given us, and for the fact that I can get pregnant... and that I DO have two lovely, healthy children... life is so very fragile. I did keep thinking of this, but the tears kept coming, and an irrational plague of guilt and what-ifs too.
This baby's presence in our lives, albeit short, has been a blessing in some meaningful ways. And I/we trust God, He is so Faithful, and His ways and understanding far beyond our own.
Something really precious and comforting that the Lord did for me though... on Saturday, He gave me a Rhema word.
I'd started this scheduled *read thru the Bible in a year* last January, but haven't been keeping up with it too well lately. As I was just distraught, restless, so very grieved and sat outside with Chris, in the sun and wind, I found my thoughts turning hopefully to my Lord. "Talk to me Father... help me... I need You, I do TRUST in YOU, but I need to hear from You, right NOW..." I went and got my Bible and my reading schedule, to look up what my reading was for that day, April 15th. I was desperately in need of comfort, and just knew that the Lord would have something for me, He would meet me, He must have set a table for this day. *smiles*
The OT portion of my scheduled reading was from II Samuel, where David and Bathsheba lost their first baby. I was so encouraged in the Spirit, by David's response, through that passage, and the truth of the reality that this baby we *lost* is in heaven, and someday we shall go to meet him/her.
19 David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked.
"Yes," they replied, "he is dead."20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
21 His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"
22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
"Wow...", I thought, as I stared lovingly down into my most treasured Book... from which flows such life and love, my Bible. He knows, He knew, You planned for this passage to be here for me to find and read today... this moment in eternity, as I said good-bye to that little person, that eternal soul, I received something from our Father in return. He deepened me somehow, and softened my heart in a way that only this could..
Oh, what reassurance swept over me in that moment, what a release I felt beginning to happen... I need not entertain all of those nagging questions and suspicions, for He saw ahead to this day, and knew that this would be, and that I would need His assurance, and that I would need His nod of approval, His nudge to worship, His release and Presence to Praise Him, and to dance (for I am practicing our big dance ~ the Irish tap "Lord of the Dance" which we'll be dancing in worship to Him on May the 24th), and to know with certainty that this baby is very much alive in heaven right now, "being raised much better than we could ever raise it" as Chris so matter of factly put it.
But isn't that so cool, that the two chapters containing this passage was my scheduled reading for that day, Sat. 15th, when I needed this encouragement, mainly the reminder that God knew beforehand that this would happen, as my biggest struggles have been all of the "what ifs", the irrational guilt trips your head tries to play sometimes.
My thoughts then began to turn to our children. How Chris and I grieved for them, and prayed for them, and dreaded having to tell them, for I/we knew that their little hearts would just break... On Sunday morning we told them that our baby had already gone to heaven... And they did, they cried, and had such horrible looks of shock cross their little faces. And we talked, and held them. We'd packed a picnic lunch already, and so after wiping away tears and trying to end on a positive, though tearful note, we all went to the lake for the swim they'd been begging for all week. They are okay now too, and eager for another baby. But I do think that we'll wait awhile longer before telling them on the next time... Yesterday and today N and T have both been working on their essays (in which they answer a series of personal questions) that they have to complete for their riding instructor, as part of their application process for *Summer Horse Camp*. I was so thankful and blessed to read that T had written "Jesus is our God and we will trust in Him"... Yes, I think that she is okay... and N too.
Chris and I decided on Monday to name the baby, and after praying about it, we decided on Judah, which we'd already been considering for a boy, and which means "praise". We think that it's especially fitting since the baby would have been born in December, during the time of Hanukkah... when we remember, among other things, the courage and faith of the great hero~Judah Maccabee, who led of the Spirit, saved all of Israel... and as a testament to the fact that we win our battles through Praise. Oh! It is all very significant and intimately meaningful to us, and consider my calendar verse... weeping into dancing, ashes into beauty... Praise!
So, when we told the kids, N asked "What about a middle name? Can it's middle name be Carmen?" And T excitedly agreed. He's always loved that name, even named a cousin's kitten Carmen a couple of years ago. Chris and I agreed, "Judah Carmen it is"... Well, I was so blessed when I looked up Carmen in my baby names book, and found that it's Latin, and means "song"... so our baby is His *Praise Song*...
The Lord truly did do something amazing in me. On Resurrection Sunday morning, the day after my miscarriage, I woke up with such a peace and joy. I felt that the grief had literally been lifted up out of me, and I felt His abiding peace just enveloping me. I'm certain that having had all day Saturday to immerse and grieve helped me to have closure, and undoubtedly the prayers of our brothers and sisters in HIM.
We did attend the Sat. evening service at church, which was probably crazy, but I knew that I wouldn't make it on Sun. morning, and we had already planned to go, and T had a new dress to wear, and I had a song to hear and a dance to see. And going was an easier option than trying to explain to the kids why we weren't going, if we didn't, at that point... So, I got a shower, we all got dressed up, and off to church we went. Fortunately, it was so crowded that we were able to sneak in and out, without running into anyone (besides one precious friend who already knew and had been praying), as I was an emotional train wreck at the time. But I am so glad that we went, because a team of dancers worshiped through a dance choreographed to the song "He Is", which is one of my favorites. I knew they were doing this, and couldn't miss it, and how healing was ministered to my spirit through that song and dance on that evening... I'd needed to hear who He IS...
I am so utterly aware of how very blessed we are, of my two wonderful, strong and healthy children, of how very fragile life is, of how valuable every moment that we have to love is... and we are thanking Him for our precious children. I have a whole new depth of awareness and gratitude for them, for what we DO have, and I'm so glad that Chris's vas reversal was a success, and that our Father blessed us ever so briefly with this little baby that we will meet someday in heaven.
Yesterday was a hard day again though... the grief was biting, and I was weepy and a bit shaky all day... but today, again, it has lifted. Truly, the JOY of the LORD is my strength, and it is in His Presence that I'm finding rest for my weary soul.
Today, we had a really slow, beautiful day... It's been rainy all day, and Jennifer's mare gave birth to a sweet, spunky little filly yesterday morning. She called us right away to come over there, but we couldn't make it until today, and we just spent hours watching, and petting and talking in hushed tones, and grooming some of the other ponies, and listening to/watching the vet who came... it was just a very soothing day. I will post some of my pics soon... Also, the eggs in the barn swallow's nest that the kids have been watching hatched, and we bought 6 little baby chicks recently too, and have been watching them grow so quickly... We are just surrounded by life, and love...
I thought how rather strange it seems that I lost my Dad on Easter wknd. 19 years ago, and now I've lost this little one the same wknd... *sighs* I called my Grandmother on Sunday, and we talked for a long time... she held him, my Dad, her lost child, much longer than I held this one. We remembered, and laughed together... and wondered over it all, and grieved together. It was good to share with her.
Anyways, thank you so much to my friends and family for your thoughts and prayers. And to those whom I haven't contacted yet, please understand that I have been so short on time between tap 3x this week, riding, having company for two days straight (and overnight on Wed.), chores, homegroup/church on Thurs. evening, and lots of phone calls coming in.
We have been so very thankful at this renewed realization of how abundantly blessed we are here locally, with such wonderfully loving and supportive, prayerful friends who have surrounded us and lifted us up during this difficult time. I've known that I need to share what's happened with my friends online as well, but I just haven't been able to find words for it all until now, nor the capacity to sit in front of the 'puter.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Note: Although the date of posting *says* Tues., April 18th, I actually only just posted this on Sat., April the 22nd. I'd started this post on Tues., and just didn't/couldn't finish it until the wee hours of this morning.
Artwork is "Reflections of Giverny" by Greg Singley, from allposters.com
Um…notice anything different about me?
Posted by: | CommentsLike, am I glowing a bit? Well, though I've known for over a week now, it's just now official (positive results on the home pregnancy test!)... So, YES! I'm with child, 4 wks. pregnant, expecting our third blessing sometime around Dec. 6 th of this year! I am just so overjoyed and still finding it hard to believe. After years of waiting and praying, letting go, and waiting some more, and then trying not to *wait*/think about it... the days, weeks and months are finally here. This will be our first baby since Chris had his vasectomy reversal over a year ago now. YIPPEE!!
Thank you so much to those of you who have known of our hopes to conceive, and have been praying for us this past year. I'd begun to wonder if this day would ever come, but it has, finally...
Chris and I are planning to tell N and T this afternoon, when he gets home from his installation job. N asked if I'd take them to a park today (it's lovely weather), and I think that sounds perfect, we'll pack a picnic, and share the news with them in the glorious outdoors!
N and T have been praying for a new baby brother or sister for years! I shared with Chris about how I think it will be such a precious experience to share this pregnancy and new life with our kids. What help I shall have this time around! *heh!*
Just yesterday, as we were driving over to a friend's house, out of nowhere, my 10yo boy, N, started talking to me about; "I just wonder when you're gonna have another baby? I just wish that I could know that you're pregnant already, so I'd know when?!" What a trip, huh?! It was so hard for me not to tell him right then and there! LOL I was just grinning from ear to ear (he hadn't brought it up for awhile until yesterday), and nonchalantly said, "So, you're pretty excited to be a big brother again, huh?" He said, "Yeah, if you had a baby this year, then when that baby got to be my age, I'd be 20yo!" I just thanked the Lord quietly and agreed that he'd be a wonderful help and big brother. But what a riot, huh?! Talk about funny timing!
I tell you what though, I've every symptom in the book! I was never as sick with N nor T as I have been with this one so far. Just as soon as I got over that chest sickness/fever/yucky whatever it was, I had the most terrible migraine headache last night, and couldn't (wouldn't) take anything for it. Then I got terribly nautious, and threw up, and then went back to bed at 6 p.m. and prayed for sleep. I slept until 7 a.m. this morning. I have been SO tired the past couple of weeks, sleeping for hours during the day (and I don't normally take naps).
So, that's all of our latest... exciting news!
My wall calendar's Scripture for this month is so fitting, God is SO good, and so right here with us;
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness. { Psalm 30.11 }
love, Beth *who's munching on saltines and quit the coffee a week ago*
here's a pic of what our newest little addition to the Brew*crew looks like this week... (Also, notice my very cool little baby ticker at the top of my blog here.)
I have this lovely little "Pregnancy Journal" that I'd bought over a year ago now, which says that today:
"The fold tissue that will form the baby's head can now be identified. The baby's body is beginning to unfold. The baby measures between .04 and .06 inch (1.0-1.5 mm) from head to tail." {{wow...}}
"The next thirty days mark a critical period in the development of your baby's heart. While the heart itself consists of just two heart tubes, it has been joined to blood vessels in the baby's system. The next ten days mark a critical period in the development of the central nervous system. The mesoderm is now dividing into matched pairs on either side of the spinal column. These matched pairs of tissue called "somites" will eventually form the bones and muscles of your baby's head and body. Today, the first pair of somites will appear and thirty-eight pairs of somites will form between now and Day 30. The thyroid gland, eventually located at the base of the neck on either side of the windpipe, is also beginning to form. Today was a big day in the development of your baby's muscles, bones, and heart."
~ A. Christine Harris, Ph. D.
Fetal Development ~ First Trimester
Pregnancy Weekly Calendar
101+ Reasons I LOVE my Hubby
Posted by: | CommentsIt's been too long since I just sat down, and wrote out my blessings from the Lord... especially those found in my dear husband.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
~James 1.17
101 + Reasons I LOVE my husband, Christopher Steven...
1. He saw past my imperfections, and married me over 11 14! years ago now... after only knowing me for 3 months!
2. He's told me that he's still glad he married me. He never remembers his dreams, but one day did, and told me it was a horrible dream in which he'd felt such dread because he'd lost me, and felt so alone without me... I needed to hear that.
3. He REALLY loves our kids...
4. He likes to play Scrabble, and Boggle, even beats me (sometimes)...
5. He has taught our kids to play Backgammon, Chess, and plays with them regularly...
6. He's taller than me, and has the deepest dark brown eyes I've ever seen.
7. He loves to stay up late playing cards with friends.
8. He can fix anything, and make anything... from designing and building a house - to jewelry and drawings for our kids.
9. He likes to watch Little House on the Prairie and Jane Austen movies with me.
10. He loves the Lord Jesus, and has made the Word of God our home's bedrock.
11. He bought a $1,000,000 life insurance policy on himself to insure that I could always be a SAHM, and homeschool our kids if something ever happened to him...and having had my Dad get killed in a car wreck when I was only 14yo, and seeing my Mom struggle to support my 4 siblings and I, this means alot to me... He encourages other men to do the same.
12. He's as much a homeschooling zealot as I am!
13. He's teaching me and the kids how to shoot and handle guns, and a bow and arrow. He plans to take Nathan hunting soon.
14. He bought me a German Shepherd pup, twice.
15. He loves me, and teases me ALOT.
16. He wrestles with our kids.
17. He reads the Bible with us all.
18. He leads our family in prayer and worship.
19. He dreams big, and then plans to make things happen.
20. He continues to TRUST God when things don't happen as he'd planned...
21. He believes in my dreams, usually more than I do myself, and continually urges me to pursue my interests.
22. He helped me to quit smoking before we were married.
23. He loves antiques, old barns, log cabins and long road trips (so do I).
24. He wants to live further out in the country, and learn the lost arts of homesteading... (but we'll skip 4 a.m. milkings!)
25. He likes to read and keep up with geo-politics.
26. He's passionate about what he believes in.
27. He believes in freedom.
28. He knows the Civil War was really about alot more than slavery, and identifies with the South, the Confederacy.
29. He's humble.
30. He doesn't mind having cereal, or sandwiches for dinner if I'm busy. He'll even offer to "get it myself" and has cooked up some great meals himself... so nice sometimes.
31. He's a talented artist.
32. He had the vision to move us to TN, and after years of waiting, got us here.
33. Regardless of how financially trying some years have been for us, he's never considered pressuring me to go to work outside of our home, though he's supported me the couple of times I tried it.
34. He loves to give sacrificially, and does so with genuine good will.
35. He cries...
36. He laughs, alot!
37. As soon as I let on that I want something, anything, he's scouting before I know it...
38. He's got the gift of thrift, like me.
39. He loves the outdoors.
40. He takes evening walks alone, to pray...
41. He likes to go camping.
42. He makes me (a total homebody) get out of the house...
43. He forgives people...
44. He invited my brother J (who is hard to be around) to go on a long road trip with him during his last visit... his idea, very considerate.
45. He's supported me when I've needed him most.
46. He loves my family like his own.
47. He gave me the sweetest Mom, Dad and Grandmother.
48. He's written me love poems before we met, and since we've been together.
49. He's made me cards... he picks out cards for me with our children.
50. Once, when we were seperated for 2 months due to a move (he was getting work and a place to live, we joke that he was "preparing a place for us"), he sent the cutest postcards to the kids, full of picture messages they could "read", and called us every night.
51. He's a man of integrity. He's had a hard time as a salesman, because he's so honest, and other competitors would outsell him by lying... he had customers regretfully come back to him and say they wished they'd have listened to him... He's rightfully named his new business "Integrity Contracting".
52. His hands are strong, and gentle.
53. He cracks my back for me, and gives me massages.
54. He likes my hair long.
55. He doesn't mind my buying ALOT of books, and even makes bookshelves for me (us).
56. He reads storybooks to our children, and tucks them in with lullabies.
57. He likes to hear what I think, and tell me what he thinks.
58. He doesn't mind if we disagree...
59. When he realizes he's been wrong, he repents, even to our children.
60. He's growing in so many wonderful ways...
61. He loves children, and not just our own.
62. He loves, and I believe would die for TRUTH.
63. His fave movies are Braveheart, Clear and Present Danger and the Patriot .
64. He listens to a variety of musical styles.
65. He works hard, and is teaching our son to do the same.
66. He believes that God's first ministry for a man is to his wife and children.
67. He trusts me enough to hand me the reigns as to researching and choosing our homeschooling/academic direction each year.
68. He's taught our children, by example, to respect and prefer others.
69. He chose to not have cable t.v. in our house, for all the right reasons.
70. He's a faithful friend.
71. He puts up with me.
72. He helps me with my gardening, even bought us a tiller this summer.
73. He's a man of vision... and he inspires me, and moves me.
74. He tried to save a baby raccoon we found while hiking one day. It was all eaten up with ants, and suffering terribly - we brought it home, and cleaned it up... it died while he was at the pet shop buying kitten formula, but our kids will never forget that he tried. He also saved 3 baby (pinky) squirrels that fell out of a tree he felled at work one day. Nathan was with him at work that day, and so excited to save them... they did live.
75. He loves learning history as much as I do... we're all learning it together.
76. He's been a Royal Rangers leader at our church.
77. He's sensitive to the Spirit, and openly lays hands upon, and prays for people as he is so led. He believes in and operates in the giftings of the Spirit.
78. He abhors and resists hype, doublespeak, fallacious thinking and propaganda.
79. He's embraced the Biblical holidays, and enjoys learning more about them, and celebrating these Feasts as a family, and with friends...
80. He's not afraid of being different... he challenges others with his strong convictions. He befriends whomever the Lord sends to him.
81. He knows what it's like to be fatherless... we both look to our Lord as Father.
82. He's idealistic, but not legalistic.
83. He works on our vehicles, and lawnmower, and has fixed them over and over again...
84. He remodeled and built onto our first house, having me help where I could (mostly painting and landscaping)... I'm continually amazed at what he can DO.
85. When he was in the US Air Force, he was black-balled and ridiculed by his comrades, for his Christian faith, yet his steadfastness never wavered. That's when I met him.
86. He saved most of his paychecks while in the USAF, for when he would marry someday, to have a nest egg to start out with. We needed that $, such discipline and forethought.
87. He supports my endeavors to start healthy habits. He bought a water distiller for us, and plans to did buy me a grain mill. He bought me a kitchen-aid mixer for Mother's Day, and teases me every time I use it that I'm spoiled rotten... I am!
88. He would never lord over me... he is my companion and friend. He is balanced and Biblical in his understanding of our positions and identity in Christ.
89. He is my head, my leader, my prince, my Knight, sent by my Lord, my protector in the flesh. He gives of himself to serve me and our children. He loves me with decided commitment... he's forgiven me much, without telling me about it.
90. He hugs and kisses our son and daughter. He tells T she's beautiful.
91. He's never given up on me.
92. He's patient, and teaches our children many things that I could not.
93. He's teaching them woodworking. They've made bird houses, extravagant rubber band guns, and pinewood derby cars, among other things.
94. He bathed our 90 lb. pup, and our ferrets today while I sat here blogging...;)
95. He looks so cute with his glasses on.
96. He bought me the MOST beautiful white gold anniversary band with Ani l'dodi v'dodi li (Hebrew for "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.", from the Song of Songs 6.3) inscribed into it, for our 10 yr. wedding anniversary...and we really couldn't afford it...;) He's always pointing out things to me that he knows I'd like, when we're brousing flea markets and antique shops...
97. He has this habit of helping people, and always is on the lookout for others, watches the classified ads for deals on items that he knows our friends may be looking for... he gets a kick out of blessing people.
98. He's let our kids sleep in our room, and bed even, whenever they've felt they needed to (which is more often than not).
99. He likes to lead us in taking communion together, at home, as a family.
100. He likes to stay up late with me, just reading together, or eating ice cream and watching a good movie...
101. He has more than once pulled over on the side of the road to pick me wildflowers, quite to my delighted surprise.
(Okay, I can't stop, I just keep thinking of things now!!)
102. He's turned around, and pulled over to help strangers stranded on the road numerous times.
103. When we've argued, and he's been angry and left to cool off, he's always returned. And we always make up...
104. He's pig headedly stubborn not easily intimidated, and doesn't give up easily.
105. In seasons of desperation and despair, he's turned to our Lord with prayer and fasting.
106. He takes every opportunity to give the Lord all the credit for every success he's had.
107. He often opens in prayer with the words, "Lord, we know that we are NOTHING without you, and we NEED you..."
108. He thinks before he talks.
109. He doesn't throw around compliments loosely... so when he compliments me, I know that he means it, and my heart skips a beat.
110. He's told me that I'm doing a good job with our kids, and that I'm a good Mother... and somehow makes me believe it.
111. I'm better because of him... and I want to be a better wife to him. He deserves the best.
112. I will enjoy growing old with him.
113. He makes me laugh when I don't feel like laughing, which can be maddening.
114. He keeps me from taking myself, or anyone else, too seriously.
115. He arranged a wonderful surprise birthday party for me on my 28th... had all our friends in on it. It was so much fun! No one else had ever done that for me before...
116. He's in my dreams a lot... just there, strong and safe.
117. I've learned that I can always trust him more than anyone else in the world.
118. He's a good judge of character.
119. He values my insights and opinions on matters, and always consults me over important issues, or decisions that need to be made.
120. He loves to talk and talk and talk, when he's ready. I'm learning to wait.
121. He'll spontaneously suggest that we drop everything and just go for a day-long drive - and we do, looking and dreaming and reminiscing together, with good tunes on the radio, and our kids (who've become accustomed to roadtrips) in the back.
122. We're at home when we're together.
123. He rented a little log cabin out on a remote 30 acres in the Smoky Mtns. for a long wknd., to celebrate my 29th b-day, and we brought the kids. It had a library, and we bought fudge in Gatlinburg, hiked, played checkers and read... The rest of the world disappeared that weekend, while we were in a corner of heaven together. He gave me a card in which he'd written to me of his thankfulness for my putting him and the kids first. I still have it. I will never forget that wknd. when we slept in a loft, with the window open and the babbling of the brook beneath us calling our hearts to TN. I can still hear the wind in the trees, which sounded like rushing water... he's given me the greatest gifts.
124. He's given me our children... even had a vasectomy reversal to enable our last ones.
125. He works harder than anyone I know, and he's always provided for us.
126. Our children adore him.
127. He's as hooked on Lost as I am.
128. When I was pregnant, he'd surprise me with mexican pizzas from Taco Bell, just because he knows how much I love them.
129. He'll juice a lemon for my water without my asking him to.
130. He likes to get in the kitchen and help me cook our big weekend breakfasts brunches.
131. When the need was there, and I felt led to ask him, he didn't hesitate to open our home to my youngest brother for a couple of years. Bringing a teenager into your home changes the dynamics of your entire life, trust me. It wasn't always easy, but Chris never questioned whether it was the right thing to do. He and Daniel have a special bond now.
132. He actually took the time to make a splint and wrap for my favorite hen, Pertelote's, broken leg, after she accidentally got stuck under the tractor coop while it was being moved. Then, he even set her up with her own little private roosting area and pen to be safe while she healed, which she did, amazingly. Oh, it was hilariously pitiful! You should have seen her hopping around on her leg tied to a stick for awhile.

Our reversal story…so far…
Posted by: | CommentsMy sister recently asked about Chris and I's plans/hopes of having another child, and would it be soon? I just had to say, "I don't know...and we're open to whatever God has in store for our family." Yes, we do hope to have more children one day...(soon?). We have two right now that the LORD has blessed us with, and will be content if this is all He gives us. But, we hope for more...
For those who may not know this part of our testimony, Chris just had a vasectomy reversal done last December. For the first few months I was on such a roller-coaster ride each month *hoping* and then extreme disappointment that there was no pregnancy yet. I'm trying to be patient, but already have a wonderful Christian, homeschooling midwife lined up and everything.
But actually, the funny thing that's sort of surprised me is that now I *do* have such a PEACE and contentment overall though...that it's truly in the Lord's hands now, as we've done all we can to remedy our hasty sterilization done right after our dear daughter's birth, over 6 years ago now. Here, I suppose I ought to share the story so as to bring some of you up to date.
Now Chris and I have always been on the same page concerning homeschooling (he's a zealot about it actually!;-) and we've both been radically devoted Christians since before we were married. However, about 6 years ago he/we decided to have a vasectomy right after our second child, our precious dd was born. He'd always thought he just wanted a boy and a girl, now we had them, and so he figured we were"done" (scary how ingrained many Christians - us included, then - are with humanistic concepts/allowances, huh?).
I'd actually never given it much thought before then (how many children to have/ the whole "family planning" idea versus Biblical mandate that children are a BLESSING~ Psalm 127), had just had a petocin-induced v*****l birth, with no meds, alot of pain and my second horrible hospital-birth experience! We were surrounded by Christian friends who'd also been sterilized, and it just seemed normal... So I wasn't fighting him too hard on it at that point... and the pill wasn't an option for me. How naive we still were though (and so young too). But I still didn't feel right about it as we were driving to his vasectomy appointment and confided this in him. I had prayed and considered for months, and do remember saying "It just feels too final, and I'm not too sure about this." Well, Chris dismissed my concerns as just so much emotional fickleness. And the deed was done. And that very weekend, even as he lay recovering, the grieving began for me.
I felt like something had been tragically cut off within me... and as I turned my fearful thoughts to the Lord, I'll never forget that He impressed upon me to read Genesis 2.24 (I was standing in my kitchen, overwhelmed with grief, as I saw Chris laying there on the couch, now rendered sterile). I immediately went and fetched my Bible, eager to see what hope the Lord would extend me;
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
I questioned Him about this, found its relevance a bit perplexing... Then, almost immediately, He gently, though quite firmly impressed upon my mind the imperative relationship of oneness that God intended for us, Chris and I, to have. I was to continue to nurture this intimacy with my husband, to be one with him... just as Christ has done for/with us. I didn't yet realize how this emotional struggle within me (to forgive and love my husband) would become the crux of my battle for years to come, and the Lord was already arming me for spiritual warfare yet to be done... He is so Faithful.
And, as I read the rest of Genesis 2 and 3, He showed me in my spirit how, even as He'd taken a portion of Adam's side - to create Eve, He'd also been opened up in His side as he hung, dying for us, on the cross - symbolizing that the Church, His lovely bride, would now be created from Him. And the blood and water (symbols of our Covenant made with Him) flowed from His side... He wants to be one with us, HE left THE FATHER, to cling to us...and to become one with little 'ol me...WOW... How He comforted and soothed my troubled mind. And so this journey of a deeper walk, a keener intimacy between my husband and I, and my Lord and I, began. He truly can turn what the enemy intended for evil into GOOD.
I remember how terribly alone I felt in this...my desire to have more children. I even dreamed of them, mourned over our loss, our mistake, shared my grief with my dear husband, who just couldn't get it (then), or really sympathize much. I was just plain sorrowful, and tried to let it go, put away this *desire* time and time again, but my heart and arms ached for the children I felt we were still meant to have. For years, as my convictions grew, I battled with not being bitter towards Chris, and truly forgiving him. I was for so long burdened with a direction I felt God wanted to take our family, namely having more children (even if it means by adoption), but Chris did not share my vision for some time.
Even now, he's really come to a place of just being open to whatever God has for us, as am I... and realizing that we JUST don't REALLY know what exactly that may be yet. And now, I'm content either way, and have such a new found love and respect for my husband, just that he would be so sensitive to the Spirit, and *to me*, and go through with a vasectomy reversal! It was no small matter for him (or any man, I'm sure!), and in my book, he's a MAN'S MAN! But, I'm getting ahead of myself here... back to the story...
Well, a few years later, I was led, through a series of events, to a realization that a vasectomy reversal was truly within our reach, both financially and physically. When I presented the option to Chris he was not at all for it though, and as I proceeded to try and further discuss this, in the months following, in various settings, he just seemed to dig his heels in more. He was more sympathetic to my regrets, and very sweet about that (even gave me a card lamenting his decision), but not wanting to remedy the situation through another "expensive surgery".
I became discouraged on the one hand, by his adamant determination that he would not consider it, and didn't think he wanted more children (ironically *loves* kids, but afraid he wouldn't be able to care for them all as individually as he'd like if he had a lot...but the Lord is now showing him otherwise). Yet, on the other hand, I knew that our motives for the reversal were wrong in the first place, just that... fear (though at the time we thought it was "wisdom"). I was certain that the Lord had placed this burden/desire within me because it just wouldn't let up, is Biblical and I was certain He'd led me to the new found hope and information that I had gained.
So, I decided to let go, and let God. That may sound so cliche, but it's such a powerful concept when coupled with truly prayerful faith, ie; TRUST in God when we can't see a way out. I relinquished my burden to HIM (yet again!;-). And I determined that if the Lord wanted us to have more children, then the Lord would have to do a work in Chris...after all I wanted him to WANT this, and even initiate it, not feel manipulated into doing it, and then end up resenting me, or his decision. Our children now, and future children (if we were to be so blessed) would need to know that it was Daddy's decision....and so I found peace (contentment) in waiting.
The Lord gave me this Word to cling to, and continually reminded me to cling also to Chris as my husband, even as I clinged to Him, and to trust HIM to do the work in Chris, if I would just get out of the way, STAY out of the way (hardest part), and put on a meek and quiet spirit about it. He taught me to love my husband in a deeper way, and to respect him as the king of our household, whether I agreed with him or not...
The king's heart [is] in the hand of the LORD, [as] the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.
~Proverbs 21:1
I'm so thankful to be able to tell you that this last Fall, seemingly out of nowhere, Chris came to me, and said, "Why don't you make that appt. for me with the doctor?" Well, I thought he meant for the prolotherapy on his knee that's been bothering him, which he's been wanting to start for years now (it's expensive).
But he said, "No, the other doctor." I was so surprised, and realized that I had completely let the matter go entirely in my own mind. My heart was in my throat, and I'd gotten into such a habit of not wearing my feelings in this issue on my sleeve that I was even nervous at that point about being too excited in front of him! LOL!...silly me! But he knew...
And the Lord has indeed done a work in him, and in me. Now he likes the thought of having more children as well. And I've learned to have more self-control and trust in his ability to hear from and respond to God - without my help (imagine that!), and to just be able to let a matter go that we disagree on, submission if you will. Though at first he adamantly refused, over time (5 yrs!) the Lord has softened his heart to re-consider... and what I'd failed to mention in this before is that, even now Chris *still* doesn't necessarily share my convictions about the reversal's *needing* to be done (from a moral standpoint), but out of love and concern for me, and I think a genuine desire for more children also, as well as out of admittance that I may very well have some valid points/convictions... he was eventually, in his own time, and of his own mind, ready to have it done for me, for us, our relationship, and for our family as a whole, more than in and of convictions over the issue itself... It's kind of hard to explain, but did that make sense?
The scripture, "submitting one to another" comes to my mind here...and the husband loving his wife as Christ loves the Church, giving himself up for her...this speaks very basicly to the heart of what happened in Chris's reasoning I think, and change of heart, and caused him to eventually even bring up and initiate his "going back under the knife" as he put it.
Well, okay, I did help a little in the beginning, after all, I am half of the whole. LOL! But you get my drift. On Dec.20th last year he had the reversal done, and we're now simply waiting and hoping to conceive sooner than later... Truly, our God is the WAY MAKER!
So now, I patiently wait... and WAIT... again... And even if I don't conceive, my conscience is now clear before God, and MOST importantly, something priceless in our relationship -an emotional/spiritual healing between us- has been restored. I do have strong feelings and convictions now concerning permanent birth control/sterilization and do counsel women in caution and deep introspection and questioning motives vs. God's heart, etc. every chance I get, sharing my own testimony of experiencing the unforeseen heartache of "barrenness"... OH!, how our hearts can be changed dramatically within a few years! So, I'll keep trusting Him, and praying that He, in His mercy, will open my womb again w/a child. I've dreamed of this child, met him, held him....makes it hard to wait.
To me, Motherhood is indeed the grandest of callings....I'd be content to hs for 30 more yrs.!...or not. LOL! Either way, He is my Lord, and the giver of all blessings. Meanwhile, I am truly content now to love, nurture and grow with the amazing creations He has already placed within our midst...
So, for all you wondering, there you have it...*IF*, and when there's any news, you'll be the first to know!;)
One of my favorite sources of encouragement has been; Above Rubies Magazine

Motherhood #1, Lamis Dachwali
Feeling tired
Posted by: | CommentsYes, I'm tired, but restless. I should probably go to bed soon, but wanted to keep up with this new little endeavor of mine~journaling. Maybe if I stick w/this, some discipline will flow over into my presently nonexistent exercise program. LOL! My dear friend and sister Jackie called last night. It was so good to hear from her. Her son, who is N's best bud since they were wee ones, had an accident on his trampoline and thank God is okay. And then tonight, another of my dear sisters, Sharon -my brother Michael's wife, called. I hadn't heard from her in a couple of months. She's pregnant w/her third-due April 5, and is considering having a home birth, which Chris and I have also tossed around the idea of considering for our next baby. Am I nuts?! Well, yeah!;-) But at least midwives aren't outlawed in TN. Is that not the stupidest law you've heard of-to outlaw midwives? Well, no, I guess not the stupidest....but since when did prohibition ever actually stop anything anyways...now Sharon (who lives in Missouri where midwivery is illegal) is still thinking of doing it at home, but will not be able to have any legal help. Fortunately the hospital is right across the street in case she needs it, if they go through w/the homebirth. She has talked to some local doulas though she met through LeLeche, and had her sonogram today which showed a healthy little baby boy!
And speaking of baby, Chris's vasectomy reversal is scheduled for 12/20, and will be done in Tampa during our soon coming FL visit. He's not even nervous. Isn't he a man's man to go through w/that twice?! What a guy! Here's the doctor who's performing the procedure; http://www.vasdoctor.com/ We're excited, and hoping to have a 2005 baby!;-)
Right now Chris is reading me little bits of queer trivia & quotes from his Thrifty Nickel paper. Can you tell we just had our cable shut off....and have only one computer. LOL!
We went and picked up the deer meat from the butcher today, it came to 88lbs.! of meat. So, anyone have any good venison recipes to share w/me? It was a beautiful drive out through Elizabethton, and the surrounding mtn. range, near the Appalacian trail.
Last night we gave our daughter a beautiful doll as a Hanukkah gift. And she's decided to name her Bethany....that's close to Beth. *smiles* I feel so honored! Being a Mom is so wonderful. I'm so thankful for our children, and for my dh who's made a way for me to stay home w/them all these years- which pass so quickly.
Okay, I'm starting to feel all sentimental and gushy...better go to bed.
Good night to all.
Love, Beth
There are a thousand thoughts lying within a man that he does not know till he takes up a pen to write. ~William Makepeace Thackeray









































